Wednesday, July 23, 2008

46. A Little Fan-Girlism

I don't often care much about actresses in general, but I am admittedly quite fond of two. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman. They have yet to disappoint me. Even when I don't like the movie itself, I still find I like their piece of it.

And if I didn't already love Natalie Portman enough, here's another reason to. She stars in the new Bollywood inspired video for Devendra Banhart's "Carmensita". Glee!

Turns out she's dating Devendra. I had no idea. But I live in a hole, so there you go.

Devendra is oh so lovely...
And I love when two lovely people combine into a super lovely couple.
Love! <3

I'm just hoping the poor little octopo at the end didn't suffocate while it was getting smooched on by DB.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

45. Meowzas.

Maddening. I spent all day feeling incredibly creative, and then, by the time I am home and able to use said creative energies, they're gone. *Poof*

I did spend most of the work day doodling at my desk because we hardly have any work to do right now. That's something anyway. But instead of doing anything much of anything, I ended up just walking Frank for a bit and then here we are. Matt is off cheffing it up Coq au Vin style for Katy and Nathan tonight, and I'm trying to force myself to do something other than sit here nibbling my paws. So far it's not working.

On a completely unrelated note, I was listening to Pandora just now when this guy came up. His album is called "I Don't Know What I'm Doing". Hilarious, yet apparently true. Brad does suck. So much so that he's giving most of his tracks away as free downloads. I get the impression his musical career began while playing Truth or Dare...

Speaking of people with no musical talent, I started contemplating the possibility of selling my euphonium while Frank and I were walking. I've had a bit of buyer's remorse over the practice mute we bought a few months ago. I've played all of twice since we bought it, and I fear it may have been a waste of $200. Every time I think of practicing, I decide there are numerous other things I'd rather be doing. Even if those things are grimy chores like scrubbing my toilet.

I have come to a couple of realizations:

1. I am no longer in possession of any "chops". My range and playing ability are around that of a fifth grader. (*A fifth grader who has just spent the last 3 weeks learning the song flute, not a 5th grade prodigy who has been in lessons since the age of 4.)

2. I lack discipline. I never was able to make myself practice, even in school. By my senior year I was taking (I believe) 5 hours of band classes a day, and never touching my horn at home.

I've been lugging this horn with me from place to place for almost 10 years now. I have played it maybe 1-2 times each year during that time. Since high school, I have lived in a dorm, 2 apartments and now a condo. Nearly every time I have tried to play I've received a noise complaint from someone. Now that I finally have a mute, I find I am so bad I don't have the drive or desire to make myself practice in order to become good again.

It was a wonderful, beautiful, exciting, shiny high school graduation present from my parents, and has remained the single most expensive thing I own beyond my house and my car. Every time I look at it I feel a mixture of pride and shame at the same time. I don't think I will ever be able to play the way someone who owns an instrument this perfect should. And yet I am afraid that if I were to actually go through with selling it I would regret it forever. I could never afford something like it again.

In 3 days, I turn 27. I've spent the past month, and especially the past week, reflecting on who I am, where I'm going, and what I want to do with myself. General pre-birthday putting one's self in order type stuff. And it has begun to occur to me that perhaps I am not meant to be a music maker. Or, if I am, perhaps I've been trying to play the wrong instrument all along.

I do still feel a connection to my euphonium that tells me there is still something between us even after a 10 year hiatus. After the previous paragraph, I went and played for about 15 minutes, and I was just slightly less shit than I was the last time I tried. I find that encouraging, though I think I may require lessons if I hope to ever be anything worth anything again.

Always with the lessons she's saying! Oy! Do my pockets look like they're lined with gold?!

I am nearly 27.
I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.
I am still filled with a thousand imagined possibilities.
And I am not finished yet.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

44. July 13th

This morning began with wheat yogurt waffles (made by me) and ended in coffee on my porch for the first time all summer. They're practically finished with it, just a little bit of painting left,
so I decided to go ahead and drop a couple of chairs just out of the way of the incompleteness. The pets and I lounged around soaking up the sun until Frank dropped his tennis ball in my coffee and spilled it everywhere. He felt very bad.

I spent most of the weekend shopping for clothes. My closet is brimming with new fun things. Mostly thrifted or purchased on clearance. I also found a homeless dinosaur for $4 at Target, who I've decided to call Henry. He's really wonderful, I think. He's the sort of dinosaur who makes you want to carry him everywhere with you having adventures.

All that shopping worked up an appetite, and Matt was feeling too lazy and hungry to cook dinner, so he recommended we visit The Keg. He had the prime rib, and I had a half order of king crab. I hope that doesn't make me a cannibal. Crabbies don't typically eat their own kind I don't think. But crabbies are so delicious, I cannot resist. This crabbie was particularly delicious. I have no regrets.

After dinner I took the Frank-dog for his walk. We saw a mole rumbling around under the dirt, met some kids in the park, and got yelled at by a stray shar-pei who was being chased by a very sweaty and out of breath man. The man made a point to stop and let me know that his dog had jumped a six foot fence. I wasn't sure how to respond to that.

Tomorrow is Monday. I wish it weren't, because I was just beginning to really enjoy being at home. Our house has been growing on me lately. The things that need fixing haven't been bothering me as much. And the neighbors haven't been so horrid either, so I don't feel such an urge to move as quickly as possible. We definitely need more space, but I'm feeling patient about it. It's been a very nice summer so far, and I think that has made all the difference.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

43. Well, bother.

Around a month ago I applied for a very intriguing position with Nordstrom, in the accounting department. Not so much because I love accounting, but because I was hoping to make more money, enjoy the privacy of high walled cubicles, hopefully take advantage of the commuter bus, and wallow in the stellar employee discount. I had received an automated reply which said they were impressed with my resume and had forwarded it to the hiring manager. But after three weeks, I hadn't heard anything further. I emailed them to ask about it, and received my reply today.

A sorry, but we're not so interested as we originally claimed sort of reply.

I was really hoping for an interview, but then suddenly, in the past week or so, work has become less irritating to me. Which is funny, since I've been in a pretty unpleasant mood for days.

I do wish I made more money. But I am happy that I have a job which allows me to completely forget it exists the moment I walk out the door. I get along really well with my boss, I'm fantastic at what I do, and I'm not expected to work weekends or holidays. At least, not the important holidays. I carpool and have all my breaks with one of my very best friends, and I'm left alone to listen to my headphones while I work. Besides that, it's summer, and it's beautiful out. So I think for now, I'm pretty much fine with things the way they are.