Wednesday, August 31, 2011

196. Sick

Several days ago, my boy came home carrying a wretched cold. He begged me not to kiss him, but I did anyway. Now we both have the thing, and have been oozing and sneezing so much, I am actually on my third box of Kleenexes. Though I guess it would really be more like two and a half, since the first box was travel sized.

Anyway, after days of intensive product testing, I believe that I've come upon the perfect new slogan for those gentle souls at Kleenex, Inc.


I'm not really sure why the file degraded so much on upload...Blogger doesn't always seem to like jpegs.



Saturday, August 27, 2011

195. Please Stop Beating That Dead Unicorn.

The following is a list of things I feel have gotten a bit overdone, and I believe that it's time we gave them a rest. Please feel free to add any others you think I missed in the comments section below.

1. Ninjas
2. Pirates
3. Moustaches
4. Typography as art (@ & !)
4. Unicorns
5. Octopuses
6. Bacon
7. Zombies
8. Snuggies
9. "Keep calm and carry on"
10. Cupcakes



Sunday, August 21, 2011

194. Eep!

Classes start tomorrow! I'm a college student [again]!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

193. The Not-So-Little Mermaid

My Tinkerbell gig turned out to be a book signing at a public library. It seems that Mr. Dave Barry teamed up with Mr. Ridley Pearson sometime ago and began writing a sort of Peter Pan spin-off, which they titled the Peter and the Starcatchers series.

Currently, they're on tour to promote the release of book 5.
I didn't find out any of this until the day before, when I showed up to try on my costume. Which, I realized as it was being handed to me, was not Tinkerbell, but a mermaid instead. I had been replaced by a 16 year old who fit the part of Tinkerbell quite a bit better, being that she was much smaller and more spritely than me, and had a much larger attitude.

Not that I was upset. I was getting paid either way, and mermaids are pretty neat-o. So my entire purpose was to sit on a "treasure chest" in front of a pirate ship backdrop and have my photo taken with kids. Not bad, right? This turned out to be even easier than I expected, because almost no one wanted to have their photo taken with the mermaid. They were too busy harassing the mechanical toucan which was voiced by my wizard from behind a curtain. Which left me plenty of time to sit flipping my tail and imagining myself as Darryl Hannah in Splash, sans the blonde hair.

Tinkerbell spent most of the evening dramatically complaining to me that 1) she had a party to go to, and 2) the fluorescent lights were giving her a migraine. And just because these sorts of things are rarely ever without some complication, a little old lady informed the staff she thought her husband had died, because according to her, he'd fallen asleep in his chair and wouldn't respond. By the time the ambulance got there he was fine.

We wrapped up by 8, Tinkerbell dashed off to her party, the wizard and I picked up Cliffy and made it to Denny's party where we gorged on a spread of brats and cheese and brownies, and everyone lived happily ever after. The END.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

192. August 11, 2011

I'm not sure how I magically stumbled into the world of dressing up in costumes for money, but I've been booked for my second "gig"/photo-op/strolling thing on Saturday.

Ok, that isn't true, I do know how. I begged my wizard-boyfriend to talk his boss-friend into hiring me for weekendy ventures. I always need extra money, and frankly, being paid $50 an hour to sweat my ass off inside a panda suit is sort of like a dream come true. I get to enjoy the thrill of "acting" without having to memorize any lines or worry about getting stage fright because I'm afraid everyone is staring at me. They aren't staring at me, they're staring at a giant panda wearing red high-top sneakers.

All I have to do on Saturday is dress up like Tinkerbell and have my picture taken with kids. Seriously, it's like I'm getting paid to go out on Halloween. HEE HEE!!!

I'm just curious to see how bad the costume is at my fitting tomorrow...
I kind of wish I could make my own.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

191. Heat Wave

It's been about 100 degrees for what seems like a month now...I don't want to hold my breath, but the heat wave seems to have finally broken over the past day or so.

To celebrate (and because it's been stuck in my head all day), Marilyn Monroe performing Heat Wave in "No Business Like Show Business":

Friday, August 5, 2011

190. Skate or Die / Skate to Die


Sticks and stones may break your bones (if you happen to roller skate over them).

Thursday, August 4, 2011

189. The Dog

Downstairs,
my neighbor's dog is barking.
No, shrieking.

For the first several months,
I didn't mind.
My own dog is guilty
of alerting me to imaginary burglars
at my door.

But this dog...
This scabby, wretched thing.
"Allergies", she tells me.
Anxiety, I suspect,
but keep my diagnosis to myself.

I might have found it endearing,
if that were all.
If it were quiet.

But it is NEVER quiet.