Wednesday, February 29, 2012

257. Well, hey!

Sorry no post last night. Like I said, my internet is out until Saturday. I'm posting from the school cafeteria today, on my way to The Civil Life for birthday beers with my leap girl, Janelle!

Feeling collegiate today...things are going well, outlook-wise.
More soon!

Monday, February 27, 2012

256. The 27th. Monday.

This week has seriously started off on the wrong foot (pun intended). First, I'm going to have to keep this short because I'm blogging from my phone. I went to get a new modem today, because we've had quite a few issues with our connection lately. It turned out that the modem we had was too old, and we need a newer one to keep up with Charter's "lightning fast speeds". Right. So I got that. Only now it won't get a signal, so a technician is coming. On Saturday. Meanwhile, I'll be taking this week's history test from a coffee shop. Frank is invincible. He threw up once and was fine afterward. I'd love to say he learned his lesson about gorging on candy, but I'm betting he didn't. It also looks like my new awesome running routine is on hold. My pinky toe is gruesome. And I think I figured out why. It seems to be because of the way they're shaped. I don't know if they make a shoe that can solve that. But I will keep searching for a solution. I just want to run.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

255. There Will Be a 10 Minute Intermission Between Parts I and II

Part I: Candy Coated Vomit
We just came home to discover Frank-dog got into the Wizard's candy sculpture supplies and consumed several medium sized Tootsie Rolls and Blow Pops (even the sticks) while we were out. So far, he's thrown up once, and I expect there's going to be more. It looked like it was mostly wrappers and undigested dog food from dinner. He's been drinking excessive amounts of water and pacing a lot whimpering to himself. I've seen dogs with chocolate poisoning before, and I'm worried about my pal, but I also know that this is also a dog who once consumed an entire bag of chocolate chip cookies without batting an eyelash.

Right now, it's 10pm, so my only option would be the 24 hour emergency clinic.

At this point, I'm watching him closely for signs of real distress. I'm hoping he just needs to puke it up, but I have a feeling that I'm in for a long night regardless.

Part II: Blood and Milestones
Went running today. I started off with a walk around the park, because I wasn't sure I was up for a run. As I got back to my car, I decided that I was, and took off again. The warm-up seemed to help substantially, which is something I very frequently disregard the importance of. I also remembered, finally, how to pace myself.

The plan was to finally run around the entire park without stopping, because it's been my goal for a while now. The weather was perfect, and I felt like I was in the right place mentally, so I decided to try.

I ran until my toes burned.
I ran until I couldn't feel my toes anymore.
I ran until my calf started cramping.
I ran until I got sort of queasy deep down in my stomach, and I could taste the veggie wrap I had for lunch.
I ran until I felt a pop in the back of my hip that made me worry I was steps away from seriously injuring myself.
And that was when I stopped.

I didn't make it all the way, unfortunately, but 3/4 of the way is pretty close. I felt like I recovered quickly, too. I was super proud of myself.

As I walked back to my car, I suddenly became very aware of my toes again. They were so tender I knew I had blisters. It wasn't until I got home and took my shoes off that I realized how bad they were. The bottom of my fourth toe on each foot had a MASSIVE blood blister on the bottom of it. Like, my toes were twice the size they should have been. There was also a smaller blood blister on the side of my left big toe. I spent half an hour draining them and trying to bandage them up so that I could put on shoes to leave the house. I can barely walk.


I have always gotten pretty awful blisters when I run. It's incredibly frustrating, especially on a day like today, because I feel that I am physically and mentally capable of running much greater distances, but I'm held back by my feet. I can't run more than three miles because of them. The part that's really bothering me is that now I'm getting blood blisters. I have no idea why, and it's never happened before this week. After Tuesday's run, I had a pretty big one on the sides of each of my big toes. Today it's my fourth toes.

I don't know what caused it or how to fix it. Should I be preparing my feet to run like a dancer would, taping my toes before I put on my running shoes?

Is my form wrong? I run on the balls of my feet, but that's because I thought you were supposed to. I've always read running on your heels puts undue stress on your knees. I've watched videos on proper running form, and I think I'm doing what I'm supposed to do.

So is it that my shoes are worn out? I know that they fit properly because I bought them from a running store where they watch you run and help you pick the perfect pair. I don't know how many miles I've put on them, but I suspect they're definitely ready to be replaced. They're 3 years old, but I only wear them to run or go for long walks.

Running is supposed to be hard, and you're supposed to have to push yourself, but I have never heard of anyone else having this problem. It's holding me back, and I really want to figure out a solution.

Epilogue:
It is now 11pm. There has been no further vomiting, and the pooch is resting quietly on his pillow. My fingers are crossed that he dispensed of the candies before they had time to cause any real problems.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

254. The Return of Mamet

Mamet, David.
Race.
The Repertory Theater.

I feel so much like I should hate Mamet. Race is the second of his plays I've seen, and each time, contrary to my predilections, I've come away fascinated. He pokes around with topics I have no interest in, yet I think what he does is genuinely intriguing. Each time, the Wizard and I leave with this delightfully heated topic to toss around, which has as much to do with the subject matter as it does the execution.

Race was great. I've never been to The Rep before...our seats may as well have been ON the stage. When we saw Oleanna last month, it was intense. It was supposed to be that way, but it was equally infuriating. I read the script, and it while it got to the point, it felt like excessive filler. This was different. A more polished script, containing enough zingers to keep us giggling for the 90 minute duration, yet every piece of dialogue felt purposeful. Great acting. Every person on stage had an impressive resume of CSI/Law & Order/cop and courtroom dramas, on top of being Juliard/NYU trained professional actors.

They. Were. Fantastic.

Now we're home and taking a voter survey from our house representative, debating every question aloud. This is too much fun. Remind me to go to the theater more often, will you?

Friday, February 24, 2012

253. I Suppose That'll Do

Hello.

I'm trying to think of what to write today, because I'm tired.

I overslept and was 1/2 an hour late.
Today was pay day.
The weather was crazy.
Snow dumped from the skies on two occasions, for approximately 10 minutes each time.
No warning.
Totally was not a day that you would think might involve snow.
It was 45 degrees.
I applied for a job that sounds both scary and interesting.
I'm fairly certain I'm not qualified for that job, but I thought, what the hell.
It's not like I'm in a position to change jobs right now, anyway.
It's the company that publishes Gray's Anatomy.
They're located like, 2 blocks away from my current job. 
Drove home to stunning clouds.
Stopped to take photos on my phone because I do things like that.
The Wizard returned.
I gave him a ride home from an audition for some music social media blog thing.
Groceries were purchased.
Cheese was consumed.
Blogging occurred.

The End.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

252. Tonight is Mine

Inadvertent night off -
Due to my visit to the guidance counselor's office, I missed my Yoga class. No stress, Crazy Yoga Lady said we were allowed to miss 2 and still get an A. Also, should I find myself bored one morning, I'm allowed to make it up.

My visit to the counselor was important. He laid out my degree requirements for me in comparison to the classes I've taken, which turned out to be better than I was expecting. It turns out my catch-up math classes are counting for something in elective form, instead of nothing, like I thought.

We also talked about career choices and what my options might be. I came prepared with this spreadsheet of interests, skills, values, et al, and he attempted to piece them together into something resembling my destiny. It was fun, but it was clear he is no Zoltar.
Even so, it did help a bit.


I left with no time to make it to my class, so I decided to make the best of it. Grocery store, wine, home to make dinner. STUFFED myself and have polished off half a bottle of Norton already. Overly-indulgent, you say? I say POO.

I am happy to say that I have already completed all of my homework assignments for the week. I have the entire weekend open to working on things that get me ahead for the semester. I fucking rule. I am an invincible academic monster. You can send all of the heroes and warlords you like, I will prevail. I will chew up your heroes like french bread, and spew them forth over the middle kingdom. Good God, I am invincible, and it's only 8pm.

Stark contrast to yesterday. Which, by the way, I made something else I didn't show you. My misery results in strange MS Paint drawrings. I won't deny it. I call this one Lumpy. He makes me giggle.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

251. Yep.


I think this pretty much sums it up.
See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

250. You may not want to come in here today...

I was going to have a nice post about taking my dog running tonight.
Then I took my history quiz.

It was only 20 questions, and I missed FIVE.
I got a 75%.

I had just scraped together a 90% in the class, as of last week. Now I'm back to 87%. I am filled with murderous rage for this man. I feel sort of assy about that, but I work really hard. I am deeply, emotionally, invested in my GPA.

I think this all boils down to the fact that I am 30, and I do not excel at anything. I feel desperately mediocre and like I have no direction in life, and my GPA is this one tiny thing that I can cling to with my rabid little ego. If I can maintain a 4.0, I can convince myself that I am smart, and I am succeeding, and that everything is going to be fine.

I don't know when exactly the panic set in, but I have become a person who is overwhelmed by a need to succeed. Only I can't figure out what I'm supposed to succeed at, because I can't focus on any one thing for more than 5 minutes. I am completely paralyzed. Nothing that I try feels like "it". I hate my job, I feel incredibly frustrated, and I have nothing to show for myself. I am so tired of trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be, it's not funny anymore. I'm not sure it's ever been funny, but it is definitely not funny today. 

It's only week 6. I still have time.
This does not change the fact that the world's crappiest history professor just ruined my day with his insanely worded test questions. These are open book tests.
Those should be easy, yes? Or at least possible?
I can't answer his questions even when I'm looking directly at the section he's referencing.
They're THAT bad.
It's like taking a bar exam or something, except I never studied law. 

I took my dog running. My endurance needs work, but we ran further than I thought we would. It was really hard, and satisfying and fun, and I was glad I went. I have very, very large blood blisters on both my big toes. ?!
I hope to go again tomorrow.

Monday, February 20, 2012

249. Post #2

As promised, I'm back. I've gotten some editing done on my two favorite shots from yesterday. I haven't entirely decided that these are the final versions for printing, but I think I'm pretty close. I may lighten the bottom image a bit more. I wish I could give them that nice burn to the edges that the iPhone versions have without it looking unnatural, but it's probably best to leave them alone.

It's been a while since I photographed anything on a camera that wasn't also my phone. These are also the first images I've ever shot and edited entirely in raw. It's hard to stop messing with them once you start, which may have something to do with why I've clung to film for so long. There is much to be said for the creative control, though. Definitely a bonus.




The Wizard is gone again, and won't be back until Friday. He was kind enough to stock our fridge with groceries before he left, and I've spent a pretty lazy Monday sampling a little of everything while picking through my homework.

Besides that, lots of PBS. Watched an amazing documentary on Himalayan wildlife. I remain terrified and disgusted by Lydia Bastianich of Lydia's Italy, but Ming Tsai had some enticing suggestions for the use of tofu. That's the last thing I need...a deep-fried tofu habit. Soooo tasty.

248. #Febphotoaday Part 3

There was no Sunday post because we crashed at Cliff and Ricka's after a raucous game night. To compensate, I have decided that there will be two posts today. One in the morning and another this evening.

I did make it back over to the abandoned apartments with my dslr yesterday afternoon. I had a hard time with framing my shots for some reason. I don't want to have to crop them down, because I don't know how that would come into play during printing, but the rectangle frame seemed to be too inclusive. I don't think the 4651 shot is going to work at all. I couldn't get close enough without cutting out parts of the windows. The sofa shot is easily my favorite, however, and I think the final version should work. I may be able to include at least the edited version of that one in my second post tonight.

Here are the #febphotoaday posts from the last week...

Day 13: Blue
I had a stupid amount fun putting this shot together. I may end up doing a cheesy still life series on film or dslr at some point.


Day 14: Heart
 Janelle gave me this necklace years ago, the night of the 75's and Hobowives show at Lemmons. I had come into town from Seattle to visit, and ended up drunk dancing all night with the Wizard. It was a very good time indeed.


Day 15: Phone
I bought this phone years ago on Ebay, when I still had a landline. It works perfectly, but I haven't used it since I got my first cell phone. Now it's just a decorative piece that sits on my living room end table, and finds itself the subject of photos every now and again. The newspaper under it is Sauce Magazine, a free St. Louis foodie publication I love. I wish this shot had been a bit less noisy, but I took it at night, and there wasn't a lot of light to work with.


Day 16: Something New
This one was a stretch because I didn't get anything new that day. I didn't even go to a store. But since I had just opened it, that made it new (to me).


Day 17: Time
I was very excited about this one. I had waited all day, keeping my eye out for a real clock to take a picture of, and then I saw this one on Meramec, driving home from work. It's the sign for a mortuary that appears to have been out of business for some time (ha), and it was exactly what I had been hoping to find.


Day 18: Drink
I guess there were a lot of drinks this week...hm. Whiskey soda, garnished with a lemon, and homework.


Day 19: Something You Hate To Do
LAUNDRY. Oh, my gosh, I wish someone would do my laundry for me. What a giant pain that is. I wouldn't mind if the washer and dryer were actually *in* my apartment, but they're in the basement, which we share with our downstairs neighbor. She's a giant slob whose belongings greatly outnumber ours, take up way more than her half, and seem strewn about almost intentionally, as if to claim the entire basement as her own. She has at least three cat boxes all located directly under our clothes line, along with a keyboard and exercise equipment she doesn't use, making it quite difficult to navigate around. If I had to name the number one reason we're looking for a new apartment, it's her. /rant.


Alright, I suppose that'll do for now.
Second post will be forthcoming this evening, once I figure out what to write about.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

247. Abandoned Places

The day went like this...

Sort of slept in late, but am too used to waking up early to actually go back to sleep after 6am. By 8:30, the pets were trampling us for attention, breakfast, and going outside.

Made coffee while quoting Freakazoid with the Wizard. Decided that the only way to end this would be to watch Freakazoid, and was delighted to find that every episode ever made is available, in full, on YouTube. Watched several episodes over coffee and fried eggs.

Read Buried Child, by Sam Shepard, for class.

Took the neglected pooch for a much needed walk in my neighborhood.
iPhone photographed these amazingly dilapidated apartment buildings...probably shouldn't have been there, but it was broad daylight. I hope very much to go back over there this weekend and capture basically the same shots and more with a real camera.




Talked to my brother about preliminary wedding/travel plans. He's in Napa with the fiance today, playing hoity-toity with the pretentious winery types.

Went to a free Kundalini yoga class. It was meditation heavy, but also very physically challenging for my wimpy girl arms. The studio was beautiful, and the instructor was a delight. I left feeling like the world was more vibrant, and with a heightened awareness of details and subtleties around me.

Got started on my response to Buried Child, which is due tomorrow.

Baked brownies from scratch, with my favorite recipe from America's Test Kitchen.

Dragged the Wizard and pooch to my parent's house for dinner. Watched Mulholland Falls and some episodes of Soap, ate too much delicious stuff, drank wine, and played with dogs all night. Frank had so much fun he passed out on my dad.


Am now home, and intend to curl up with the Wizard for the remainder of SNL, after which I am calling it a night.

Thought for the day:
Every word you speak comes from silence.

Friday, February 17, 2012

246. 3 Day Weekend!!!

As the title suggests, I have taken Monday off.

Did you think my employer observes President's Day?
Ha.
No.

I used my own paid time off because I need a long weekend. OOOOOYYYYYY. Hopefully, I catch up on some homework, relax, and get some exercise. I should have gone running today, but I felt that History took priority.

So um. Yeah.
Off.
Ate a lot of stuff.
Drank a lot.
Watched the entirety of Portlandia, season 1.

I am very behind. True. I don't have cable or watch tv, so even if a show pays homage to my homeland of the PNW, starring a guitarist from one of my top bands of all time, Sleater-Kinney...I don't watch until way later. Oh well.

What's interesting today...
I applied for a job. It's an internal posting I can pretty much tell I am not qualified for, but I tried. It pays a lot more, so that would solve a ton of problems. I won't get it though.

Alaska! Maybe! I don't know. It's expensive, but the Wizard says he's down, so we're going to try. I don't like that my parents can't come. I don't like that they're disappointed, and I don't like that they deserve to be there and won't be. Maybe I'm old, but it seems to me that weddings are a lot more for the family than they are the couple, and I think excluding them is sad.
Finances are still a major player, and I'm going to have to work on that. I also really really don't want to miss the 5k. It's stupid, but I was honestly looking forward to it. I don't think we can do both, but maybe something will change? I have 3 months, at least. Almost 4.
A lot could change.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

245. Oh My.

Plans. Have 'sploded.

First, I had a rather infuriating day at work, in which I discovered that I am quite possibly one of the very lowest paid people on my company's payroll. I realize that I don't have a degree, but based on my experience and skills they make no use of, I am fairly insulted.

I've hated my job for a long time, and this tells me for certain it's time to look for something else. I had planned to apply for a position within the company tonight, which supposedly pays about 10k more annually. But the website is down for maintenance.

Of course it is.

Second, my brother called.
He's engaged.

This probably seems quite reasonable, except that this is my brother. Who, if you have met him, ever, would most remember him for living in a van like a nomad in Alaska, with occasional excursions to Yosemite and the Southwest in search of more rocks to climb and photos to take. He doesn't stand still.

Anyway, he met a lovely girl. She's really fun and laid back, and has, I think, a master's degree in environmental science. She seems to complement him or round him out somehow, and he sounds really excited.

I'm very happy for him, but also now sort of panicked. He wants to get married at a courthouse in Alaska, in early June. I assume my family won't be able to go, but I feel like I definitely should. Not only for the wedding, but because it might be my only chance to visit Alaska in the foreseeable future. They're planning to move to Colorado in the fall, and I won't have any excuse to visit anymore. But mostly, because it's my brother's wedding, and no matter how small, that's quite monumental.

The bride-to-be has offered me a free round trip ticket, because she has one and it's going to expire. I should be delighted, except that I want the Wizard to come with me. Alaska is one of the most beautiful places on Earth, and I want to see it with him. But round trip tickets cost about $750, and I can tell that he's deeply put off by the price tag (reasonably so).
 We're planning to move at the beginning of May, and I was really excited to go to Chicago for the Color Run on June 1st. At the moment, I don't know what the exact wedding date is going to be, but I do know it's going to be quite a stretch to come up with airfare and a little extra to spend on food, etc, by then.

So I'm super excited for my brother, and I would LOVE a vacation. But it's very stressful and last minute, and I've got a lot of details to work out.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

244. 48 Hour Recap

I don't have any, really. I had too much fun on Valentine's Day, and I fell asleep without blogging. Ah well. I think that was strike three on the daily blog, so at this point, I'm not even going to worry about it. I'm still going to blog every day if possible, but I'm not going to worry about 365 in a row.
Many kudos to Josh, who is still going strong. He hasn't missed a day. Regardless, the daily blogging has been good for me, and I look forward to it most of the time.

To recap the past 2 days, yesterday was Valentine's Day! I normally do not care AT ALL about this holiday. It's a day of women making men feel shitty if they forget to buy them something, and men stressing out because they don't know if they're even buying the right thing. Obligatory purchases are NOT romantic.

But when a boy participates in the holiday, not because he has to, but just because...it's pretty rad.

I received an email around 10am saying I had a delivery at the front desk, and thought nothing of it. I get work-related deliveries sometimes. Boring.
I waited until 1, when I went down to get lunch.

My package, it turned out, was a box. A tall box, that said FTD.

The Wizard sent me the coolest thing! Not flowers so much, but a shrub covered in flowers. Lavender colored Heather, to "spruce" up my desk. :P


I was quite surprised. And delighted.

After that, Vday got pretty punk. I took the mister to Lemmons, for a very cheesy pizza and beers at the bar. Somebody ordered a car bomb, and everyone around them decided this was a good idea, us included. We had a lovely time.

Doing shots with strangers.
Recommended.

Afterward, we stopped at the store to buy some coffee, and ended up in line with a guy I remembered from jury duty a few months ago. I think he was drunk...
He says he's an attorney, but he reminds me of a really bumbling Dustin Hoffman.

We came home and had one more drink, but fell asleep pretty immediately.
So that was Valentine's.

Today was math. We had a test on Monday night, which we got back tonight. I was terrified I had completely screwed this up, but I got 97%! And that was all on my own, not multiple choice.
I'm feeling pretty genius roundabout now. Illusion, though it may be.

Monday, February 13, 2012

243. Toast, Golf Clubs, & Screenwriting for the Insane


One of my homework assignments this week was to watch True West, the film adaptation of the Sam Shepard play, starring Gary Sinise and John Malkovich. The movie is pretty low budget and looks like it was probably filmed for television, or a straight to video release. Still well done, however, and the performances are hysterical. Maybe watch it sometime, if you're in between deliveries on your Netflix and don't feel like doing much beyond lie on your couch.

It snowed a lot today. I left work early, and made veggie bean burrito nonsense with the Wizard. Then I drove to school and took a math test, on which I am not certain I got an A, but feel pretty confident that I should at least have gotten a B. Afterward, I drove cautiously home, where I curled up on the couch to watch True West and drink hot cocoa.

Conveniently, the entire movie is available on YouTube, divided into 10 sections. Here's the link to Part 1, you can follow the trail of breadcrumbs from there...

Sunday, February 12, 2012

242. #febphotoaday Part 2

It's been about a week since the last #febphotoaday post, so here's what I've been up to. This week involves multiple instances of toast, and overall, I'm not as excited about this set of photos. Still having entirely too much fun with it though. It's like a scavenger hunt, every day!

Day 5: 10am
At 10am last Sunday, the Wizard and I were making breakfast together. We were attempting to poach eggs using a pot and coffee cups as a double boiler. We also fried some sweet potato home fries, and served it all with toast and fruit. Everything tasted great, except the eggs. The double boiler experiment failed, and the yolks were over-cooked. Sad.
We ate it anyway.

Day 6: Dinner
Food photo number two. This was a quick dinner for one, which I threw together before math class on Monday night. It's an eggplant and fried egg sandwich, with spinach, sauteed onion, Swiss cheese and siracha on wheat toast.
I don't really like this photo, but I didn't have much time to spend on it. I hate cold egg sandwiches. You can see in the background that I forgot to turn off the burner before I started trying to photo my dinner.

Day 7: Button
I was hellbent on using my Hipstamatic for this one, and I think I spent at least half an hour taking shot after shot until I finally caught these with the placement I was hoping for. The Hipstamatic simulates a shitty disposable camera, so what you see in the viewfinder is not how your final image will turn out. It randomly offsets the subject, which gives a really careless look to the photo, but is tricky to use if you have something specific in mind.
As for the buttons, "lonely?" is a silly thing I found at a Buffalo Exchange in Seattle several years ago. The Zim Zam Kok Show button was sketched and made by the Wizard. He gave/lent it to me shortly after we started dating. It's kind of nerdy, considering I was never around in order to see a single performance of the sketch comedy show, but I guess it's not that bad. I am dating the man who wore the Kok suit, afterall.

Day 8: The Sun
There was no sun on February 8th. Not even briefly.
I decided the best course of action would be to make one of my own.
In MS Paint.

Day 9: Front Door
This is where we live. If you look closely, you can see a pink chalk heart I drew on the door months ago, when I was drunk. Still there.

Day 10: Self Portrait
Naturally, the day that I am supposed to take a photo of myself, I would feel particularly un-photogenic. I took this in my cubicle at work.

Day 11: Something That Makes You Happy
Wizards make me happy!! This is the first photo I took on my new iPhone 4s yesterday, while we were waiting for our lunch at Pointer's Pizza.

And while I'm at it, here's the aforementioned anchovy pizza. Pointers is fantastic...I think it may be my new favorite. They also offer a gigantic version, The Pointersaurus. If you and one other person can eat the table-sized monstrosity in one sitting, it's free. My confidence might be bigger than my stomach, but I feel almost certain I could do it. It's that good.

Day 12: Inside Your Closet
A lot of empty hangers, which tells me maybe I need to do laundry today. Also, notice the giant crack in the wall. Our building is sinking. This had been repaired when we moved in, but has since reappeared. We also have to pull up really hard on all the door handles in order to lock or unlock the doors. I suspect that if there is ever an earthquake, we'll probably fall through the floor and land on my downstairs neighbor. One of several reasons we plan to find a new apartment in May.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

241. Saturday.


As Saturdays go, this one has been quite nice. The Wizard and I had a lurvely breakfast, after which, we headed out to take care of errands. Most notably, we hit the Sprint store, where we signed up for a family plan...
This is big news. 1, because I have never shared a cell phone plan with anyone, and 2, because the person I am now sharing a plan with is Johnny. It feels sort of permanent, in a stable, householdish sort of way. I realize it's a small thing, which I'm sure a million people do every day...but it feels nice. Like he plans to stick around, and like this really is the sort of thing I had imagined it was.

My Wizard is not the marrying kind, and I am 2 years divorced. Sometimes, being divorced feels like failure, and it's hard to imagine yourself being taken seriously by anyone afterward. You can say you love them all day long, and in the back of their minds, they could be saying to themselves, "Yeah...for now." And it's hard, too, to have to face the fact that not every marriage ends in happily ever after. Some of them seem like they're a wonderful idea to begin with, and then they end, no matter how much effort you put in.

Currently, I live with someone I love. Muchly. He's wonderful, and I feel lucky that he wants to be with me. But I also wrestle with the fact that he doesn't like marriage, as a rule. He has a fairly jaded view of the entire institution, and that's hard for me. No matter how perfectly things work out, I can't hope that he will trust me and love me enough to make that kind of promise.

Which is disappointing... It is.
The only thing I can count on is now. We are good now, and we are happy now.

On one hand, this entire relationship is based on now, yet there is a lot of reference toward the future. With one failed marriage behind me, I have to ask myself why I would even want that again. It seems stupid, and yet, I'm such a hopeless romantic, I can't seem to learn from my mistake. I can't help but think that there is one amazing person in the universe for each of us, and that you will find yours, no matter how long you have to wait. They'll come, because they're supposed to come. You'll find each other and you'll love each other like nothing that you've ever loved until the end of eternity.

I'm a sucker.

Today we ate perfect anchovy pizza in a dirty pizza parlor with a stained ceiling, and I loved every moment we spent together. He makes me grin from ear to ear to ears that I don't even have. At the end of the day we came home together, with little twin iPhones, and a new family plan we didn't have before. And that's stupid, to find meaning in that, but it feels significant. We signed silly papers that moved us forward in a relationship, recognizing us as a family, even though we already were.

I want to be oblivious to these titles and markers. I want to just be. But something in me likes the illusion of definition. I wish I could figure out why, because I know, deep down, that none of it means anything. The only thing that matters is what we have. And I hope that it lasts as long as it can.

Friday, February 10, 2012

240. Fast Forward

Friday, 11:52.

Sleep is impending, so this is going to be quick...

Jobjobjobspitespitespite.
Fabulous grocery prowlings at Whole Foods.
Discovered that Whole Foods is now carrying one of my favorite Pacific NW beers, Mirror Pond.
Bought two large bottles and told every employee in the store who would listen how happy I was.
Attempted to study maths, but will need to devote much more time this weekend.
The Wizard returned, cold, adorable, and with messy hat hair.
We made a delicious soup and drank the aforementioned beers.
Somehow ended the night watching Fatal Attraction. Glenn Close will haunt my nightmares.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

239. sCREAm

Four weeks in - status update.

So far, the breakdown of my grades this semester goes like this:
Yoga - A.
Love, Loyalty & Betrayal on the American Stage & Screen - A.
History - B.
Intermediate Algebra - A...barely.

I'm mad about the history grade, because I can't do anything to bring it up. All we do every week is read a chapter, and then take an open book quiz on it. The problem with that is questions on the quiz are so insanely worded, and the text of my history book so...overly encompassing and utterly dry, I have thus far been unable to make any sense of any of it. And I normally find history pretty fascinating. So that's awesomme.

Math, though. That I have total control over, but I'm teetering on the edge of a B because this shit is hard! I would be FINE if it weren't for word problems. I am TERRIBLE at word problems, and I am racking my brain trying to make sense of them. You would think, being that I am a person who enjoys language, they would make sense.
They do not.

Word problems exist to make me cry.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

238. Like a Boss

My boss is still on medical leave. This means I spent a lot of my day being productive...but not overly so. The problem on most days is that I'm actually too productive. I have a tendency to work really efficiently and quickly, so that I run out of work to do, and my boss rewards me by assigning me whatever mind-numbing busy work she can find until more real work piles up. This stresses me out, because I am constantly super busy. I never take breaks or a lunch. I eat at my desk, work work work, and escape as fast as I can.

When she isn't there, things are much more pleasant. I work at a leisurely pace, which I achieve by breaking up my tedium with distractions like surfing the internet (what little of it I can access), checking my homework or paying bills, texting people, playing with my camera, or doodling. Rather than my boss having to find me busy work because I have exhausted everything in my reach, I find myself busy work that actually serves a purpose, and which I do in the order I choose, not her. I am still extremely productive; in fact, I am actually more productive, yet I leave at the end of the day feeling relaxed, instead of like I want to stand on my desk and fire a machine gun at everyone in my office.

My point, is that I am happiest when I have a boss who trusts me to do what I am paid to do, and who understands that no human being was intended to sit at a desk and spend 8 straight hours doing tedious things. I believe that when your employer trusts you to manage your time as you see fit, more often than not, you're going to be a happier, more productive, more efficient employee. At least, that's how I see it. A person who takes 5 minutes to slack and play online does not have a poor work ethic. I think that it's a sign your brain is tired of the tedium, and needs a break. And I believe that people should be able to do this for 10 minutes an hour, because it will make the other 50 minutes of actual work more productive.

I'm not sure why I decided to talk about this today. I've just realized this week that I am 100% more satisfied with my job when my boss stays home instead of breathing down the back of my neck. For once, I can even stand to be pleasant to the co-worker I loathe, because I'm not stressed to the point of lasers shooting out of my eyes.

What a surprise, corporate America.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

237. A Fine Mess


Regarding running.

The farthest I have ever run at one time, without stopping, is 3 miles. 3.1 miles equals a 5k, and I have never done one. Since I moved back to Missouri, running has ceased to be a part of my regular routine. I am totally out of shape, and I really really want to get back to a time when I go at least 3 times a week.

Today, I believe I found my motivation.

The Color Run.


It's a national event, with dates throughout the country all year, but none of them are in St Louis. My closest options are Chicago and Kansas City, which happens to work out perfectly, because I am in serious need of a road trip. 


The dates for Chi and KC are both in June, which gives me a few months to get back into a shape other than "blob". We're planning to look for a new apartment around the same time, so I hope that won't throw a wrench in my plans. I think maybe I need this.

Monday, February 6, 2012

236. Groceries

Oh, hey there! Fancy meeting you here.

Monday has returned, and the mister has left town again. My stress levels seem quite a bit lower this week, thanks to getting just a little ahead on homework over the weekend. All in all, the weekend was a blast, I stayed up waaaaay too late soaking up as much quality boy-time as possible, and while I am totally exhausted, today was largely uneventful.

My boss is still out on medical leave, making for a downright leisurely day at work. I spent more time on Blackboard poking around my classes than I did actually doing administrative-type tasks. I made it through enough math tutorials to ensure I know what the what?! my professor is talking about, class itself was pretty easy, and the homework I didn't realize was due this Wednesday was pushed back to Monday because we're a little behind on lectures.

After class, I stopped by the grocery store and stocked up on bachelorette food. Bachelorette food is only titled as such because I bought quantities for one instead of the usual two. Otherwise, said food exactly resembles couple food, because we have the same sort of tastes, and I do a lot of the shopping anyway.

This week's provisions include:
  • Broccoli
  • Onion
  • Collard Greens
  • Eggs
  • Grapefruit
  • Lemons (which I purchased in the hopes of painting a still life)
  • Vanilla Greek Yogurt
  • Mozzarella Cheese
  • Quinoa
  • Uncle Ben's Wild Rice
  • Whole Wheat Tortillas
Fascinating, I know. I really did have a dull day, and this post is proof.
Ah well, there's always tomorrow.

Off to bed!
おやすみなさい。

Sunday, February 5, 2012

235. Febs 5?

I didn't watch the superbowl. It's true.
The truth is that I could give a shit about football, and that makes me feel like there is fundamentally something deeply un-American about me.
I adore this holiday for the snacks, and that other people like it, but still. It doesn't make any sense.
I try, and I pay attention, and people talk, but still! Utterly lost.
Football has never been anything beyond background noise to me, and somehow, I feel bad about that. Why?
Who knows.
Mysteries of the game, I suppose.
People played, I ate pretzels and painted a something background on some canvas. What?
Sunday.
Sunday is here and not for long enough.
The math problems are just too hard.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

234. #Febphotoaday

As if I don't try to cram enough hobbies and personal growth into my days, I decided to take part in the Instagram #febphotoaday challenge. I post at least one photo, usually more, nearly every single day anyway, so the only real stretch for me is the fact that every day has a theme. I'm getting pretty sick of my daily panic attack posts, so this should be a nice change of pace.

Day 1: My View
This is a quick shot I snapped right before the start of math class on Wednesday. Everything about my school feels dated, and I sort of enjoy that. Here, I like the shapes and complimentary colors, the way it's sort of abstract, yet you can still tell exactly what you're looking at.


Day 2: Words
I've posted before about my ridiculous obsession with Charles Bukowski. I love that dirty old man, almost as much as I love Tom Waits (which is A LOT). This is the last four lines of a poem called "Pulled Down Shade", which appears in The Last Night of the Earth Poems. It's a relatively long poem, but these lines appear on a page all by themselves. I agree with their sentiment wholeheartedly.


Day 3: Hands
Johnny and I were making vegetarian chili last night. Earlier in the day I had attempted to shoot my own hands using the timer on my iPhone, but I just couldn't get anything to come out right. This shot is from my Hipstamatic, using, of course, my fave Foodie Snap Pak. I think I like it because it's messy, I don't know. He has lovely hands, and they're always doing interesting things.


Day 4: A Stranger
This one was the most difficult so far. Total strangers do not want their photo taken because they assume you are creepy, or are up to some nefarious business, like harvesting their soul with your camera and selling it on the black market for profit. I did see a lot of strangers today, but I lack the guts to ask if I can take their picture with my phone. If I had been carrying one of my Canons, maybe...but in this case, I ended up bending the theme a bit.


Yoga did not happen this afternoon. The Wizard is feeling under the weather from a week on the road, so I ventured out again with the Frank-dog. It wasn't raining this time, but it's about 10 degrees cooler and the air has been laden with a soft plushy fog all day.

While I didn't end up photographing people in the park, I did spend a lot of time with the trees. This weekend's hashtag project from @JayZombie was #strangetrees, but I ended up just shooting trees in general. It's impossible not to fall in love with every single one of them if you just give them a moment. I thoroughly believe that every tree has a face, though some of them are easier to spot than others. Sometimes they look like animals, and some look like people. Most often, I think they resemble fantastic creatures like you might find in a storybook. I usually spend our walks trying to imagine what their personalities might be like, while Frank runs circles around me screaming at  squirrels.

These were my favorites from the afternoon, the second of which I included in the hashtaggery:




Friday, February 3, 2012

233. Hello, Lover.

Thanks to what I will refer to as an "Act of God", I was not able to post yesterday. My internet was down. I have just gotten it working again.

It's probably good that I couldn't post, anyway, because my yoga class was cancelled, and I was pretty crushed. I had been looking forward to it all week. I thought about going to a studio in town tonight to make it up to myself, but instead I'm going to save it for tomorrow so the Wizard can come with me. He also enjoys a good yoging every now and again.

Instead, to celebrate the end of the week, and apologize to my poor, miserable, neglected dog, we went for a walk when I got home. It was 50-ish, raining, and getting dark. I'm not sure the exact distance around Tower Grove, but it takes about 45 minutes to walk all the way around at a brisk pace.

The park gets really sort of magical at twilight. It's pretty any time of day, but I think winter is my favorite. I like the sense of quiet. By the time we made it back to the car, we were soaked, the park was totally empty except for one cop, and the sun was gone. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect start to the weekend.

Best of all, the Wizard should be walking in the door any moment now. I have not seen him since last Sunday.

Annnnd...BARK! He's here!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

232. Don't Read This.

I have nothing today.
I can't keep this up.
All I want is 5 minutes to do something besides work, homework or sleep.