Saturday, February 11, 2012

241. Saturday.

As Saturdays go, this one has been quite nice. The Wizard and I had a lurvely breakfast, after which, we headed out to take care of errands. Most notably, we hit the Sprint store, where we signed up for a family plan...
This is big news. 1, because I have never shared a cell phone plan with anyone, and 2, because the person I am now sharing a plan with is Johnny. It feels sort of permanent, in a stable, householdish sort of way. I realize it's a small thing, which I'm sure a million people do every day...but it feels nice. Like he plans to stick around, and like this really is the sort of thing I had imagined it was.

My Wizard is not the marrying kind, and I am 2 years divorced. Sometimes, being divorced feels like failure, and it's hard to imagine yourself being taken seriously by anyone afterward. You can say you love them all day long, and in the back of their minds, they could be saying to themselves, "Yeah...for now." And it's hard, too, to have to face the fact that not every marriage ends in happily ever after. Some of them seem like they're a wonderful idea to begin with, and then they end, no matter how much effort you put in.

Currently, I live with someone I love. Muchly. He's wonderful, and I feel lucky that he wants to be with me. But I also wrestle with the fact that he doesn't like marriage, as a rule. He has a fairly jaded view of the entire institution, and that's hard for me. No matter how perfectly things work out, I can't hope that he will trust me and love me enough to make that kind of promise.

Which is disappointing... It is.
The only thing I can count on is now. We are good now, and we are happy now.

On one hand, this entire relationship is based on now, yet there is a lot of reference toward the future. With one failed marriage behind me, I have to ask myself why I would even want that again. It seems stupid, and yet, I'm such a hopeless romantic, I can't seem to learn from my mistake. I can't help but think that there is one amazing person in the universe for each of us, and that you will find yours, no matter how long you have to wait. They'll come, because they're supposed to come. You'll find each other and you'll love each other like nothing that you've ever loved until the end of eternity.

I'm a sucker.

Today we ate perfect anchovy pizza in a dirty pizza parlor with a stained ceiling, and I loved every moment we spent together. He makes me grin from ear to ear to ears that I don't even have. At the end of the day we came home together, with little twin iPhones, and a new family plan we didn't have before. And that's stupid, to find meaning in that, but it feels significant. We signed silly papers that moved us forward in a relationship, recognizing us as a family, even though we already were.

I want to be oblivious to these titles and markers. I want to just be. But something in me likes the illusion of definition. I wish I could figure out why, because I know, deep down, that none of it means anything. The only thing that matters is what we have. And I hope that it lasts as long as it can.

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