I was going to have a nice post about taking my dog running tonight.
Then I took my history quiz.
It was only 20 questions, and I missed FIVE.
I got a 75%.
I had just scraped together a 90% in the class, as of last week. Now I'm back to 87%. I am filled with murderous rage for this man. I feel sort of assy about that, but I work really hard. I am deeply, emotionally, invested in my GPA.
I think this all boils down to the fact that I am 30, and I do not excel at anything. I feel desperately mediocre and like I have no direction in life, and my GPA is this one tiny thing that I can cling to with my rabid little ego. If I can maintain a 4.0, I can convince myself that I am smart, and I am succeeding, and that everything is going to be fine.
I don't know when exactly the panic set in, but I have become a person who is overwhelmed by a need to succeed. Only I can't figure out what I'm supposed to succeed at, because I can't focus on any one thing for more than 5 minutes. I am completely paralyzed. Nothing that I try feels like "it". I hate my job, I feel incredibly frustrated, and I have nothing to show for myself. I am so tired of trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be, it's not funny anymore. I'm not sure it's ever been funny, but it is definitely not funny today.
It's only week 6. I still have time.
This does not change the fact that the world's crappiest history professor just ruined my day with his insanely worded test questions. These are open book tests.
Those should be easy, yes? Or at least possible?
I can't answer his questions even when I'm looking directly at the section he's referencing.
They're THAT bad.
It's like taking a bar exam or something, except I never studied law.
I took my dog running. My endurance needs work, but we ran further than I thought we would. It was really hard, and satisfying and fun, and I was glad I went. I have very, very large blood blisters on both my big toes. ?!
I hope to go again tomorrow.