Thursday, November 1, 2012

321. November the First

Present fourth-dimensional coordinates:
364 days until the next Halloween
5 days until the election
3 weeks until Thanksgiving
6 weeks left in the semester
7 1/2 weeks until Christmas
8 1/2 weeks until New Years Eve adventures in Chicago

I didn't dress up for Halloween again this year.
I hope to put forth more of a costume effort next year, but we'll see. Before then, I need to learn how to stop over-thinking them so much. I have a habit of going all out or not going at all. Then again, I really didn't have anywhere to go this year either.

I bought all the necessary parts with the intention of going as a picnic, but I had so much math homework that I didn't have the time or energy left to put the costume together. Instead we stayed in, lit our pumpkins, and watched Nosferatu (1922) and Dracula (1931) over mandarin vodka-sodas, fun size candy bars, and toasted curry pumpkin seeds. It was very low-key, very 30-something, and just what I needed.

Lately I watch a lot of Battlestar Galactica, listen to a lot of surf rock, and cook a lot of food, but not as much as I would like. I run sometimes, but again, not even close to as much as I would like. Most of the time, I tear my hair out over math homework that I am just barely making sense of, but would probably understand fully and deeply if I had more time to devote to studying. I study a LOT. I spend so much time studying that I find myself mentally exhausted more often than not, which I think is part of why I am not absorbing information as easily as usual. Even Macroeconomics is straining my brain, and it's an easy class.

That being said, I cannot wait for this semester to be over so I can get back to studying subjects I actually want to pursue. I had been going through a flip-floppy indecisive phase forever, in which I felt incapable of choosing a major for fear that I was making the wrong decision. Mostly, I think I was afraid that if I made a decision, I would somehow pigeon-hole myself into one possible outcome for the rest of my life. Deep down, I knew that wasn't true, but I couldn't even start to address the issue without inducing a small panic attack. For a while I was starting to think something was wrong with my heart, because it would begin racing out of nowhere and for no apparent reason. Usually, it would happen when I was lying in bed at night trying to sleep.

At some point last week, I was bored at work, and MyMathLab wouldn't load so I could do my homework on the clock. I started downloading college lectures on various topics through iTunes U, and settled into the first 2 hours of an intro to computer programming course from Stanford. 2 hours later, I came away fully understanding the material I had been lectured on, but with the realization that I just wasn't that interested in pursuing it. The professor was hysterical, and his lectures were interesting. It just isn't what I want to devote my time and energy to. Paired with the fact that I cannot wait for this math class to be over, I think I've finally come to terms with what I want.

Choosing to major in art is terrifying. Everyone shakes their head and tells you you're making a mistake, and that you'll never make any money, or the field is flooded with a million other talented people who'll constantly be competing with you. That you'll struggle to pay back your student loans, and that you're condemning yourself to a life of stress and misery and ramen noodles.

It's entirely possible that all of those things are true. It's also possible that the people who tell you those things don't have any faith in your abilities, or they're bitter about their own decisions and failures. In either case, those aren't the people you should be taking advice from.


1 comment:

Joshua De La Noco said...

That Halloween sounded so excellent. Well done! Congrats on the major choice. You'll rock, have fun. Degrees go where you need them to, so don't stress it - enjoy it.

My preacherly-teacherly 10 cents offered. I leave you saying Yippee for the Post!