Spilt Milk

241. Saturday.

2012-02-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

As Saturdays go, this one has been quite nice. The Wizard and I had a lurvely breakfast, after which, we headed out to take care of errands. Most notably, we hit the Sprint store, where we signed up for a family plan...
This is big news. 1, because I have never shared a cell phone plan with anyone, and 2, because the person I am now sharing a plan with is Johnny. It feels sort of permanent, in a stable, householdish sort of way. I realize it's a small thing, which I'm sure a million people do every day...but it feels nice. Like he plans to stick around, and like this really is the sort of thing I had imagined it was.

My Wizard is not the marrying kind, and I am 2 years divorced. Sometimes, being divorced feels like failure, and it's hard to imagine yourself being taken seriously by anyone afterward. You can say you love them all day long, and in the back of their minds, they could be saying to themselves, "Yeah...for now." And it's hard, too, to have to face the fact that not every marriage ends in happily ever after. Some of them seem like they're a wonderful idea to begin with, and then they end, no matter how much effort you put in.

Currently, I live with someone I love. Muchly. He's wonderful, and I feel lucky that he wants to be with me. But I also wrestle with the fact that he doesn't like marriage, as a rule. He has a fairly jaded view of the entire institution, and that's hard for me. No matter how perfectly things work out, I can't hope that he will trust me and love me enough to make that kind of promise.

Which is disappointing... It is.
The only thing I can count on is now. We are good now, and we are happy now.

On one hand, this entire relationship is based on now, yet there is a lot of reference toward the future. With one failed marriage behind me, I have to ask myself why I would even want that again. It seems stupid, and yet, I'm such a hopeless romantic, I can't seem to learn from my mistake. I can't help but think that there is one amazing person in the universe for each of us, and that you will find yours, no matter how long you have to wait. They'll come, because they're supposed to come. You'll find each other and you'll love each other like nothing that you've ever loved until the end of eternity.

I'm a sucker.

Today we ate perfect anchovy pizza in a dirty pizza parlor with a stained ceiling, and I loved every moment we spent together. He makes me grin from ear to ear to ears that I don't even have. At the end of the day we came home together, with little twin iPhones, and a new family plan we didn't have before. And that's stupid, to find meaning in that, but it feels significant. We signed silly papers that moved us forward in a relationship, recognizing us as a family, even though we already were.

I want to be oblivious to these titles and markers. I want to just be. But something in me likes the illusion of definition. I wish I could figure out why, because I know, deep down, that none of it means anything. The only thing that matters is what we have. And I hope that it lasts as long as it can.

240. Fast Forward

2012-02-10T22:01:00.001-08:00

Friday, 11:52.

Sleep is impending, so this is going to be quick...

Jobjobjobspitespitespite.
Fabulous grocery prowlings at Whole Foods.
Discovered that Whole Foods is now carrying one of my favorite Pacific NW beers, Mirror Pond.
Bought two large bottles and told every employee in the store who would listen how happy I was.
Attempted to study maths, but will need to devote much more time this weekend.
The Wizard returned, cold, adorable, and with messy hat hair.
We made a delicious soup and drank the aforementioned beers.
Somehow ended the night watching Fatal Attraction. Glenn Close will haunt my nightmares.

239. sCREAm

2012-02-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

Four weeks in - status update.

So far, the breakdown of my grades this semester goes like this:
Yoga - A.
Love, Loyalty & Betrayal on the American Stage & Screen - A.
History - B.
Intermediate Algebra - A...barely.

I'm mad about the history grade, because I can't do anything to bring it up. All we do every week is read a chapter, and then take an open book quiz on it. The problem with that is questions on the quiz are so insanely worded, and the text of my history book so...overly encompassing and utterly dry, I have thus far been unable to make any sense of any of it. And I normally find history pretty fascinating. So that's awesomme.

Math, though. That I have total control over, but I'm teetering on the edge of a B because this shit is hard! I would be FINE if it weren't for word problems. I am TERRIBLE at word problems, and I am racking my brain trying to make sense of them. You would think, being that I am a person who enjoys language, they would make sense.
They do not.

Word problems exist to make me cry.

238. Like a Boss

2012-02-08T20:13:00.000-08:00

My boss is still on medical leave. This means I spent a lot of my day being productive...but not overly so. The problem on most days is that I'm actually too productive. I have a tendency to work really efficiently and quickly, so that I run out of work to do, and my boss rewards me by assigning me whatever mind-numbing busy work she can find until more real work piles up. This stresses me out, because I am constantly super busy. I never take breaks or a lunch. I eat at my desk, work work work, and escape as fast as I can.

When she isn't there, things are much more pleasant. I work at a leisurely pace, which I achieve by breaking up my tedium with distractions like surfing the internet (what little of it I can access), checking my homework or paying bills, texting people, playing with my camera, or doodling. Rather than my boss having to find me busy work because I have exhausted everything in my reach, I find myself busy work that actually serves a purpose, and which I do in the order I choose, not her. I am still extremely productive; in fact, I am actually more productive, yet I leave at the end of the day feeling relaxed, instead of like I want to stand on my desk and fire a machine gun at everyone in my office.

My point, is that I am happiest when I have a boss who trusts me to do what I am paid to do, and who understands that no human being was intended to sit at a desk and spend 8 straight hours doing tedious things. I believe that when your employer trusts you to manage your time as you see fit, more often than not, you're going to be a happier, more productive, more efficient employee. At least, that's how I see it. A person who takes 5 minutes to slack and play online does not have a poor work ethic. I think that it's a sign your brain is tired of the tedium, and needs a break. And I believe that people should be able to do this for 10 minutes an hour, because it will make the other 50 minutes of actual work more productive.

I'm not sure why I decided to talk about this today. I've just realized this week that I am 100% more satisfied with my job when my boss stays home instead of breathing down the back of my neck. For once, I can even stand to be pleasant to the co-worker I loathe, because I'm not stressed to the point of lasers shooting out of my eyes.

What a surprise, corporate America.

237. A Fine Mess

2012-02-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

Regarding running.

The farthest I have ever run at one time, without stopping, is 3 miles. 3.1 miles equals a 5k, and I have never done one. Since I moved back to Missouri, running has ceased to be a part of my regular routine. I am totally out of shape, and I really really want to get back to a time when I go at least 3 times a week.

Today, I believe I found my motivation.

The Color Run.

It's a national event, with dates throughout the country all year, but none of them are in St Louis. My closest options are Chicago and Kansas City, which happens to work out perfectly, because I am in serious need of a road trip.

The dates for Chi and KC are both in June, which gives me a few months to get back into a shape other than "blob". We're planning to look for a new apartment around the same time, so I hope that won't throw a wrench in my plans. I think maybe I need this.

236. Groceries

2012-02-06T19:55:00.000-08:00

Oh, hey there! Fancy meeting you here.

Monday has returned, and the mister has left town again. My stress levels seem quite a bit lower this week, thanks to getting just a little ahead on homework over the weekend. All in all, the weekend was a blast, I stayed up waaaaay too late soaking up as much quality boy-time as possible, and while I am totally exhausted, today was largely uneventful.

My boss is still out on medical leave, making for a downright leisurely day at work. I spent more time on Blackboard poking around my classes than I did actually doing administrative-type tasks. I made it through enough math tutorials to ensure I know what the what?! my professor is talking about, class itself was pretty easy, and the homework I didn't realize was due this Wednesday was pushed back to Monday because we're a little behind on lectures.

After class, I stopped by the grocery store and stocked up on bachelorette food. Bachelorette food is only titled as such because I bought quantities for one instead of the usual two. Otherwise, said food exactly resembles couple food, because we have the same sort of tastes, and I do a lot of the shopping anyway.

This week's provisions include:

Broccoli
Onion
Collard Greens
Eggs
Grapefruit
Lemons (which I purchased in the hopes of painting a still life)
Vanilla Greek Yogurt
Mozzarella Cheese
Quinoa
Uncle Ben's Wild Rice
Whole Wheat Tortillas

Fascinating, I know. I really did have a dull day, and this post is proof.
Ah well, there's always tomorrow.

Off to bed!
おやすみなさい。

235. Febs 5?

2012-02-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

I didn't watch the superbowl. It's true.
The truth is that I could give a shit about football, and that makes me feel like there is fundamentally something deeply un-American about me.
I adore this holiday for the snacks, and that other people like it, but still. It doesn't make any sense.
I try, and I pay attention, and people talk, but still! Utterly lost.
Football has never been anything beyond background noise to me, and somehow, I feel bad about that. Why?
Who knows.
Mysteries of the game, I suppose.
People played, I ate pretzels and painted a something background on some canvas. What?
Sunday.
Sunday is here and not for long enough.
The math problems are just too hard.

234. #Febphotoaday

2012-02-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

As if I don't try to cram enough hobbies and personal growth into my days, I decided to take part in the Instagram #febphotoaday challenge. I post at least one photo, usually more, nearly every single day anyway, so the only real stretch for me is the fact that every day has a theme. I'm getting pretty sick of my daily panic attack posts, so this should be a nice change of pace.

Day 1: My View
This is a quick shot I snapped right before the start of math class on Wednesday. Everything about my school feels dated, and I sort of enjoy that. Here, I like the shapes and complimentary colors, the way it's sort of abstract, yet you can still tell exactly what you're looking at.

Day 2: Words
I've posted before about my ridiculous obsession with Charles Bukowski. I love that dirty old man, almost as much as I love Tom Waits (which is A LOT). This is the last four lines of a poem called "Pulled Down Shade", which appears in The Last Night of the Earth Poems. It's a relatively long poem, but these lines appear on a page all by themselves. I agree with their sentiment wholeheartedly.

Day 3: Hands
Johnny and I were making vegetarian chili last night. Earlier in the day I had attempted to shoot my own hands using the timer on my iPhone, but I just couldn't get anything to come out right. This shot is from my Hipstamatic, using, of course, my fave Foodie Snap Pak. I think I like it because it's messy, I don't know. He has lovely hands, and they're always doing interesting things.

Day 4: A Stranger
This one was the most difficult so far. Total strangers do not want their photo taken because they assume you are creepy, or are up to some nefarious business, like harvesting their soul with your camera and selling it on the black market for profit. I did see a lot of strangers today, but I lack the guts to ask if I can take their picture with my phone. If I had been carrying one of my Canons, maybe...but in this case, I ended up bending the theme a bit.

Yoga did not happen this afternoon. The Wizard is feeling under the weather from a week on the road, so I ventured out again with the Frank-dog. It wasn't raining this time, but it's about 10 degrees cooler and the air has been laden with a soft plushy fog all day.

While I didn't end up photographing people in the park, I did spend a lot of time with the trees. This weekend's hashtag project from @JayZombie was #strangetrees, but I ended up just shooting trees in general. It's impossible not to fall in love with every single one of them if you just give them a moment. I thoroughly believe that every tree has a face, though some of them are easier to spot than others. Sometimes they look like animals, and some look like people. Most often, I think they resemble fantastic creatures like you might find in a storybook. I usually spend our walks trying to imagine what their personalities might be like, while Frank runs circles around me screaming at squirrels.

These were my favorites from the afternoon, the second of which I included in the hashtaggery:

233. Hello, Lover.

2012-02-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

Thanks to what I will refer to as an "Act of God", I was not able to post yesterday. My internet was down. I have just gotten it working again.

It's probably good that I couldn't post, anyway, because my yoga class was cancelled, and I was pretty crushed. I had been looking forward to it all week. I thought about going to a studio in town tonight to make it up to myself, but instead I'm going to save it for tomorrow so the Wizard can come with me. He also enjoys a good yoging every now and again.

Instead, to celebrate the end of the week, and apologize to my poor, miserable, neglected dog, we went for a walk when I got home. It was 50-ish, raining, and getting dark. I'm not sure the exact distance around Tower Grove, but it takes about 45 minutes to walk all the way around at a brisk pace.

The park gets really sort of magical at twilight. It's pretty any time of day, but I think winter is my favorite. I like the sense of quiet. By the time we made it back to the car, we were soaked, the park was totally empty except for one cop, and the sun was gone. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect start to the weekend.

Best of all, the Wizard should be walking in the door any moment now. I have not seen him since last Sunday.

Annnnd...BARK! He's here!

232. Don't Read This.

2012-02-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

I have nothing today.
I can't keep this up.
All I want is 5 minutes to do something besides work, homework or sleep.

231. Expletives.

2012-01-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of insanely amazing unseasonably warm weather, and I have yet to get to indulge myself in any of it. I even left work two hours early today, with every intention of taking poochers to the park for a long, stress-relieving walk through Tower Grove. That didn't happen.

Instead, I came home in a panic again, over how much homework I have to do. I finished my assignment for math, due tomorrow, made a lurvely soup, and spent the next 4 hours reading 1 chapter in my history book. 30 pages of dryyyyyyyeeeeeeee information that I cannot absorb to save my life. The part about the Salem witch trials was pretty good, but otherwise, I have very little idea of what I read. It probably shouldn't have taken quite that long, but my attention kept drifting to a PBS documentary on Annie Oakley...

I owe you two apologies today, if you have the misfortune of reading this blog with any sort of regularity.
Apology #1; Sorry for the Mad Madame Mim yesterday. I was delirious with financial glee.
Apology #2; This one is going to be a recurring theme, because I'm apologizing, but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop. I am really really sorry for the constant stress-bitching in regards to school. I have learned my lesson, and will never attempt to take 10 credit hours (or four classes, whichever the case may be) while working full time again.

I'm drowning.
The Wizard is going to be out of town M-F every week for the next...four months? Approximately? So I have these four classes to keep me busy, but I'm trying to get all of my work done during the week while he's gone, so that I have my weekends free to spend with him. This plan isn't working so well, I want to cry because every waking moment of my days are packed with work and school, and I'm going to end up crying all over him because I'm so stressed and/or miserable about the whole thing.

This is week 3 of 16. I know I can do this, or I wouldn't have tried. I just have to breathe and keep the pressure on. What concerns me is that so far, I have a B in two of my four classes, when I refuse to accept anything less than straight A's. I need to be spending more time focusing on each class and ideally spending at least a little time on myself...like walking my dog or running.
Only I can't.
There is no time.

I'm seriously considering dropping something, except that the one thing I could honestly drop without losing ground would be yoga, and yoga is both the easiest A, and the one stress-relieving activity I have to look forward to. I could drop history, but I won't.

Anyway. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for not being interesting. I've never had such a packed schedule before, and it just happened to coincide with my decision to blog every day for a year.
It might be a really long year.

Here's something better to end on... Go check out some artwork by my brother.
I'm going to try and pretend my dog didn't just fart right next to me. (o__O)

230. In Which I Win the Federal Lottery.

2012-01-30T20:34:00.000-08:00

My dearest friend Soren and I like to argue over our varying approach to taxes whenever the topic arises. To be fair, Soren and I like to argue in general, because we always remember that we love each other at the end of our fights, which makes yelling loudly in one another's face quite a lot of fun.

Soren is pragmatic. He doesn't like to loan Uncle Sam his money all year long when he could be using it for things he needs now. Instead, he prefers to ride that line, where he balances the numbers just perfectly, trying his best to maintain a completely neutral position. He doesn't want to owe, but he doesn't want a refund either.

I, on the other hand, am not so practical. I like to use my taxes as a sort of piggy bank. I let the government use it for the year and pretend it was never there. I anxiously await tax season as if it were Christmas. And when it finally arrives, I file so fast you could blink and miss it.

My approach is wrong. I know this, and I don't care. I am addicted to tax refunds.

I received the w-2 I've been waiting on today, rushed home, and had filed by 5pm. After I finished, I felt a little shiver of anxiety when I realized that there is still one day left in January for things to be mailed, and in theory, I could still receive some unexpected tax document. But seeing as how I have both w-2's and the 1098-t from my student loan, I can't imagine what that surprise document could be.

The 1098-t seemed innocuous. I borrowed approximately $1500 for last semester, and didn't make any interest payments. I don't make a lot of money, and prior to entering that piece of information, Turbo Tax was estimating something like $768 for my return. But today, the magical munchkins of Tax Land were smiling upon me, probably with pity. In fact, I bet they weren't smiling, so much as grimacing and wringing their munchkin hands. Whatever the reason...the deduction gods prevailed, and that 1098-t resulted in a total return of $2200. Somehow, I still owe the state of Missouri $154...but WHOOOOO CAAAAAARES?!
I can literally hear my credit card balance weeping with joy.

Soren may be right, but I really don't care, because I win.
I WIN!!!

229. Sundae

2012-01-29T21:01:00.000-08:00

The highlight of my Sunday was eating a ham sandwich while at my parent's house. I love ham. Seriously, I could live on ham sammiches, and I would be completely fine with that. That may have been why it was the best part of my day, but I think it has a lot more to do with the fact that the entire rest of the day was spent doing homework. I'm so tired it feels like my eyeballs are melting down my cheeks.

Johnny left on tour this morning, and won't be back until Friday night. He's in Springfield tonight, and Branson tomorrow. I hate spending that long apart, but at the same time, I took this many credit hours because I knew he'd be gone and I wanted to keep myself occupied. Since I am quite busy, I'm hoping I won't have time to notice he isn't here.
Except that I do notice. And I miss him already.

Last night I worked on the awful painting pretty late before I gave up on it and cried a bunch. I promise I wasn't expecting it to come out well. It's just that after spending several hours on something, you feel pretty emotionally invested in it. By the time I was done, I realized that I had painted a sad, cyborg version of myself. And now I have to paint over her, which feels a little like destroying a piece of myself. That feeling might only make sense to other people who do creative things, I don't know. Once I realized that, I was fine. The Wizard was also exceptionally supportive and sweet, which helped a lot.

So I plan to try again. I'm hoping to get it primed and start a new painting if I can find some free time this week. This time I will try to take it more slowly, and be more patient.

Besides that, my fingers are crossed and double-crossed that I get my last w-2 tomorrow. I am dying to do my taxes, so I will know if I can afford any sort of travel in the near future or not. I neeeeeed a vacation. Oh, MAN.
Somewhere with sand, and a nice view of the sea would be perfect.

228. Argh.

2012-01-28T17:57:00.000-08:00

Painting is hard.

I learned this in the past hour.

Ok, to be honest, I knew it wasn't easy. I've studied art. I've gone to museums. There is definite skill required. So when my darling Wizard stuck me in front of a large blank canvas this evening and told me to paint, I was overwhelmed. I immediately began mixing black and white, and smearing a sort of stormy grey background all over it because it seemed like what I should do.

Much to much like that Counting Crows song, grey really is my favorite color. It's soothing and pleasant, and I gravitate towards it even more than green, which I love nearly as much. Unfortunately, after getting it all up there, I've come to realize that grey is my favorite color for a lot of things, but it makes for a pretty depressing painting. I look suicidal.

Grey notwithstanding, it's bad. It's amateurish looking and I cringe to think that I did that. There isn't even a subject yet, and already, I look like I'm badly copying my boyfriend's style because I have no idea where to begin.

Have you ever waited for paint to dry?
The suspense. Yee.

I know I've begun something awful, which I intend to continue until the end on the basis that I fucking started this shit, and I can't even move on, because I have to sit here and wait for Layer 1 to finish drying. In my impatience, I attempted to slap some yellow handprints across it, like an Indian might have imprinted his palm on the ass of his war pony. Bad idea. It looked horrendous, and I had to go back and paint over it.

At this point, I think I'm painting angry. I want to give up and get all Jackson Pollack on this canvas. I love the Wizard's paintings, but I don't want to look like a sad imitation of them. This entire venture feels like the culmination of all my frustrations lately. I don't want to deal with college this semester, I don't want my job, and I want to go home (Seattle). I'm pent up and I'm pissed off. And this canvas is mocking me.

Dammit.

227. Dinner and a Play

2012-01-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

Date night happened. We went to a little sushi place down the street called Cafe Mochi. I've been there once before, and was both surprised and relieved to find that it is possible to get some decent soosh in the midwest. It's not quite as rich and perfect as west coast seafood, but it's far from disappointing. Taste buds rejoiced.

Being that it's Friday night, we should have allotted more time for dinner. We squeaked out of the restaurant at a quarter to 8, and had to dash across town so I could sign in with my professor before the play started. Luckily, I am awesome at driving race car style, and made it with 5 minutes to spare. Much credit is also due to the Wizard for dropping me off at the door and parking the car on my behalf.

Oleanna was intense. It ran 90 minutes, and the part of John was played by a guy I swore looked just like Elsworth (see Deadwood), and who reminded the Wizard of Richard Dreyfuss à la Mr. Holland's Opus. Whichever you choose, he was fantastic. His timing, his reactions, his mannerisms...stellar. The girl playing Carol was also good, but I think I am less enamored with her because she made me deeply uncomfortable. I suppose that means she did exactly what she was cast to do, and therefore, deserves equal credit for her performance. We left the theater babbling at each other all the way to the grocery store to buy eggs, all the way home, up the stairs, into the house, and for another 20 minutes or so. Total date success.

Now it's late, and it's pouring rain, backlit by streetlamps. We're drinking cheap sake and watching Mayday run catnip laps around the apartment. The Wizard is doing his taxes. Frank-dog is napping on his purple pillow and casting pitiful glances in my direction.

Happy Friday, Internets.
Until tomorrow...

226. That's More Like It

2012-01-26T19:08:00.000-08:00

I have just returned from my first yoga class (because last week didn't count, all she did was read the syllabus for an hour).

It was sooooo gooooood. UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH. I needed that. Perhaps you could tell, I've been pretty edgy this week. Stressed, all wound up, and full o' rage. At the beginning of class, I could barely stretch because my shoulder blades were so tight, and by the end, I practically floated out of the room. It was lovely; I'm very glad I signed up.

Besides that, I spent a lot of my day researching flashes for my 30d. I'd really like to get one prior to this little shindig we're throwing in April. I have a point and shoot with an adequate flash situation if needed, but I would love for these to be of better quality. Something that makes everyone go "Ooo", and "Ah!"

I have a feeling that won't happen, though. The one I think I really want is $250. See? A less expensive option is this, but I'm leaning toward ol' pricey on the basis that it seems to have additional features. Either way, I want it to be something I can use for a long time. More research is needed while I *attempt* to save up funds.

Besides that, I also priced remote shutter release buttons, because I'd really like to try doing some nighttime landscape type stuff. I found some in the $25-$40 range, so I suspect that will happen much sooner.

And now, I have to go, because I have more history to get through before I can take my quiz. Which I need to get done either tonight or first thing tomorrow afternoon, because to-morrow, is DATE NIGHT!

225. Blood and Guts

2012-01-25T20:35:00.000-08:00

Thanks PBS. You have made me realize that I have no desire to be a biologist. In theory, science sounded really intriguing. I was all sorts of fascinated. Noncommittally, of course, being the indecisively inquisitive sort that I am. But that show just now, where you dissected boa constrictors? And the one right after, where you dissected a sperm whale with the aid of a bulldozer?! GROSS.

Please show me more art detective work about Leonardo da Vinci mystery paintings, ok? Charcoal etchings and libraries don't make me vomit while I try to concentrate on algebra homework.

Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus.

Maybe this weekend I'll have time for a real post...apologies for the last couple of days. I should just quit my job, go to school full time, and live on student loans the way most people do. I think I'm already burnt out.

224. January 24, 2012

2012-01-24T20:21:00.000-08:00

My head hurts and my eyes are on fire with sleep-deprivation, so I'm going to keep this short.

Work: Stupid.
Dinner: Homemade pizza - Whole wheat crust, topped with artichokes, onions, part-skim ricotta, and dill havarti. It's what we had in the fridge, but it was completely fantastic.
Television: 30 Rock, a PBS documentary on Wyatt Earp, and the State of the Union.
Homework: Hours and hours wading through the overly-generalized piece of garbage I call my history book. Seriously, it is nearly impossible to get anything out of the text, because it covers such a sweeping period of space and time. There was even a sentence that started and ended in the word "deforestation".
For real.

That was my day.
Lame.

223. LKR2012

2012-01-23T19:55:00.000-08:00

Long day.
Hand. So cramped.

Work was work. 8 hours of data entry intermingled with the tedium of removing staples, scanning documents, replacing staples, and stamping documents. Home briefly. Stuffed face with leftover Chinese. Tried to power nap, but cannot nap when I know I have to leave. Pretended to nap while breathing shallowly and squirming a lot. Math class. Lots of note taking. Crunchy school chair.
I am left tense and drowsy.

My bestest pal Janelle and I did manage to get a lot accomplished in regards to the upcoming Lindenkids Reunion we're planning. For those reading this who have no idea what I'm talking about, that would be my giant group of friends from all of our first attempts at college. This was like...geez. 12 years ago. When we were all young and dumb and rebellious.

I would estimate hardly any one of us actually graduated. I don't know if that means we were all a really terrible influence on one another, or the school really was that awful...I like to blame the school. I mean, they kicked me out twice, and let me back in just because I said I was sorry. Once was for grades. Once was for discharging a fire extinguisher (for funsies) on the third floor of the boys' dorm in the middle of the night...which set off the building fire alarm...

I must also admit that I went to college with no idea what I wanted to major in, or be when I grew up, or any clue how I was going to pay for it all. I was burnt out from high school, and it was my first time living away from home. I think these are all ingredients that, when added together, have no option but to equal total failure. I will say, it was the most glorious failing I have ever taken part in. I would go as far as to say it was epically awesome.

Anyway. It was worth it, if only for the memories. Ah, the memories...
Or at least the ones I can actually remember. Some of them are just plain hazy with alcohol.

Point is, I made some of the best friends I have ever been lucky enough to know in the short two years I was there. I even met The Wizard there. That's how long we've known each other.
We keep marveling over that...

So somebody decided last fall that we were all long overdue for a real reunion. It might have been Elkins, I'm not sure. Getting approximately 50 people to buy plane tickets and get themselves all in one place takes a lot of orchestration, but it seems to be coming together. Today, we secured the space for our silly gathering, along with a 4 hour open bar and hors d'ouerves.

The Wizard and I have been diligently working on the invitations, though all of the Photoshopping credit goes to him. I was the photographer, and have had a lot of input conceptually, but after that, I really haven't had much further involvement in their creation. Or rather, degradation.
I took photos I felt really proud of, and The Wizard's job has been to break them down in order to achieve that certain je ne sais quoi. He's doing a great job, in spite of his frustrations.
I'll post the final product, as well as the original photos, after the invitations have been mailed out. I don't want to spoil the surprise for those readers who will actually be receiving one.
The surprise is the best part!

Besides that, The Wizard and I have also put together the initial design for the reunion t-shirt. Because every reunion needs a t-shirt. I think that's actually a law, or something. It's still in the early stages, and I expect it's going to take a bit of manipulation. There will probably be a lot more swearing at Photoshop as well. Fortunately, Janelle knows a print shop we can use. Once the design is finalized, we should be good to go.

222. The Ensuing Hangover

2012-01-22T12:56:00.000-08:00

Of course, I'm hungover. I stayed up like...all night, drinking champagne/vodka/pineapple juice cocktails and wine. Eating like my efforts would solve world hunger. YouTubing G.I. Joe PSAs and My Drunk Kitchen. It was a grand time.Today, I have managed to be productive enough to finish writing my response to David Mamet's Oleanna.

I can't honestly say I enjoyed the play, but I can appreciate it. The characters weren't terribly interesting to me, and the dialogue was stilted to read. Live might be a lot better, and the ending should prove intense. It's one of two plays that I'm required to see live for my class, and we have tickets for next Friday. We're planning to make it a date night, and hopefully grab dinner nearby beforehand. I'm just relieved the boy is interested in coming with me because I really didn't want to go alone with a bunch of strangers from an online class.

I feel like a zombie. All I want to do is sleep and eat super-disgusting greasy food, like extra cheesy burritos or something. Only I don't feel like expending the effort to make said burritos, I just want someone to bring me the food. Perhaps today will need to be a Chinese food kind of day. Our favorite place in the area delivers the food in plastic containers, so ordering Chinese is also like shopping for tupperware. And since we're about due for more tupperware, it's a win-win.

In other news, someone that Johnny went to art school with wrote him yesterday to ask about my photos. Apparently, she was interested in purchasing one. I'm pretty sure the only photos she could have seen were iPhone stuff she found through his Facebook page...but I'm flattered, regardless. I don't think I've ever printed one of my "art" photos, and I've definitely never tried to sell one. I'm not even sure the digital ones would be worth printing, since they were all saved as large jpegs and edited really quickly.

We had talked about the potential for doing an art show together when we first started dating, and the subject came up again this morning. Neither of us really has much to show at the moment, but I think that we could probably get some things together by fall. I actually have an idea for a series of photos I've been wanting to do, if I could just make myself get up early and venture out into the cold on a Saturday morning. I've been going through some Photoshop tutorials, and I'm feeling a little more confident about shooting and editing in raw format. I don't know the first thing about putting together a show, but I can defer to Johnny's expertise there. The hard part is finding a place to have it. After that it's just like throwing a party, right?

221. Party Time. Excellent!

2012-01-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

People are coming!

We're entertaining some friends this evening. I have a glorious array of tasty snacks. There are veggies and homemade hummus, grapes, chex mix, pita chips, french bread, a cheese spread of brie, dill havarti, and sharp cheddar. There will be cocktails!

Preparing all these snacks had the added benefit of giving me the opportunity to take some pictures...

Hipstamatic finally released a food friendly add-on recently, The Loftus Pak, and I can't get enough of it.
Delicious, no? Look at these grapes!

It even works pretty well on non-food items. Like Frank!

Hi Frank!

You can see more Loftus Love in my previous post on veggie burgers. It'll be getting lots more use in the future, I'm sure. At least until I figure out how to take an appetizing photo on my dslr, but I wouldn't hold your breath...

I can't leave this post all fluff. Here's a fantastic recipe for hummus. The credit for this version goes to my previous someone, who was kind enough to write it down for me because he knew it was one of my favorites. It's really easy to put together, and leaves plenty of room for experimentation. For a little variety, try roasting the garlic first, or adding extra garlic for spice. Crushed red pepper goes nicely, or you might try roasted red peppers.

Taste-testing is important, because all of the seasonings can be adjusted. Go slowly. You can always add more, but you can't take them away once you've overdone it. And keep in mind that things like the garlic will become more intense with time. If you're serving it today, you may want to add extra garlic, but go with less if you're planning to refrigerate it overnight.

Ingredients:

1-2 cloves of garlic (I like to use more, myself)
2 cans of garbanzo beans, one drained
1 lemon, zested and juiced
2-3 Tbs Tahini
Salt, Pepper, and Cumin to taste
1/4 - 1/2 cup olive oil

Peel garlic and chop in food processor. Add both cans of beans (one drained) and blend until reasonably smooth.

Add lemon juice, lemon zest, tahini, salt, pepper, and cumin.

Blend and taste...correct seasoning as needed.

Slowly blend in olive oil until hummus becomes fragrant and has the desired consistency.

Voila!

220. National Boss' Day Off

2012-01-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

As the title implies, my boss had the day off today. The Wizard's boss also stayed home today, leading me to make it an unofficial national holiday even if no one else participates.

I like when my boss doesn't come to work because she sits in the cubicle next to me. This means that when she isn't there, I have occasion to slack, which is the way I prefer to exist. Today's slackery involved taking photographs of my headphones with my iPhone, reading David Mamet's "Oleanna" for class, picking my nose, browsing apartment websites, and taking an extra long time to eat a veggie wrap for my lunch.

Other news; Etta James died today. What I didn't know before NPR told me, is that she was pretty much the black Amy Winehouse. Actually, that's too harsh. She was at least coherent when she performed...but she did have a drug problem and spent a lot of time in rehab. I think sometimes that being really great at something comes with not being able to handle your own mind full time. Anyway, she'll be missed. Especially on those rainy Sunday mornings, when I'm feeling especially...well... Etta.

I'm hoping for a fairly uneventful weekend, save for plans with friends tomorrow night. Right now, it's ice-raining outside, or I might have considered going to the gym. Fortunately, my fridge is filled with beer, my stomach is full of pasta, and we've got Hot Rod on Netflix.

Yep. It's time for awesome.

219. FAIL.

2012-01-19T16:12:00.000-08:00

Last night was frantic. My first night of math class, after a long day at work, after a night of not much sleep, because SOMETIMES I just need to spend quality time with the Wizard. Those sometimes are actually a lot of times, and I am willing to give up most, if not all, of my sleep to do it. I mention all of this because by the time I got home, around 9, I had just enough energy to pretend I was reading my history assignment for an hour before I gave up and went to bed. Without blogging.

I failed, and the worst part is that I only made it two weeks. It never even crossed my mind to write something last night.

No one cares that I forgot. Except me, because I was really excited about this challenge. Maybe I'll just start over, with today being Day 1. We'll see... I have a feeling that I will forget many more times throughout the coming year. The only consolation I can give myself is that I am so focused on school, nothing else really matters. As Howard Schultz would say, I am "laser focused".

Tonight is my first yoga class. I'm actually about to leave, so I'll have to let you know how it went in tomorrow's post. All I can say right now is that I am growing increasingly concerned that I have overloaded myself. I may end up having to drop yoga in order to focus on the other, more time consuming classes. I would rather believe that I am a machine, and machines do not feel stress.

Today is also my dog's birthday. He's 6. I wish I had time to take him to the park for a game of fetch, but I don't. I did bring him a birthday bone, though, and he seemed pretty delighted.

Happy Birthday Frank!

218. Where's My Homework?

2012-01-17T18:24:00.000-08:00

Just like I thought. Stress. Lots and lots of stress.
I think the reason this happens is because I insist on taking online courses in order to fit in as many credit hours in a single semester as possible.The great thing about online courses is the freedom to show up and work on your assignments whenever you want. The downside of this is that the professors seem to like to give you mountains of homework to make up for it.

Additionally, the layout of online courses on Blackboard is a mess. It's like a scavenger hunt, in which you have to follow a trail of crumbs from one note to the next. Hopefully, you'll manage to find all of your assignments in time to complete them, thus avoiding total failure. I find this unnecessarily stressful, and if I were involved in any sort of computer programming/design pursuit, I would make it my mission to streamline the entire system. Higher education should not remind oneself of Where's Waldo.

I've gotten some introductory stuff done, but I should really get back to it. Till tomorrow.

217. January 16, 2012

2012-01-16T19:05:00.000-08:00

Today I heard on the radio that Jay-Z and Beyonce are to be the first couple to make a music video in space. The first thing I thought was, "Other people have made music videos in space?"
They haven't.
But yeah... It's apparently true.
In other news, it's Betty White's 90th birthday tomorrow. I learned that on the television at the gym.

Yep. I went to the gym again. But not the same gym as last week. They only gave me one day for free, and then they said I had to pay them if I wanted to come back. You can imagine the surprised look on my face when I was told I would have to pay to use their equipment.
Scoff.

So I found another gym. This one says that I can come for a week without paying them. It's a much nicer gym, too. It has televisions and a juice bar, and it doesn't smell quite so funky.
It's not that I have a problem with paying for a gym membership. But it seems pointless to pay for one when I won't use it that often. I just need something to get me through the frosty times, and then I will run outside again. For free.

Actually, I would enjoy having a personal trainer for a little while, but I can't afford it. Besides, if I had that much money, I would ride horses instead, and be the happiest person on the planet. So for now, I will enjoy my free trial as a gym tourist.

School starts tomorrow. I'm not as excited this semester, probably because I'm expecting to spend the next four months stressed out about EVERY LITTLE THING. I don't know. I just don't really feel up to it. It seems exhausting, yet I spent most of my Christmas break wishing I had assignments to work on. Graduation is way too far away...

216. The Swedish Version

2012-01-15T19:11:00.000-08:00

We're probably 3/4 of the way into The Girl Who Played With Fire, original version? Swedish. I know the books were really popular, and I actually enjoy the way this movie was filmed. It's very attractive. I really just don't care much for the story, and I feel like I should feel bad about that. Lisbeth Salander herself, is a really interesting character.
I don't know. I didn't read the books, because they're not the genre I usually go for, and I knew that. I do love foreign films, however, and this has been a nice scenic view minus all of the blood.

My Saturday to-do list went almost exactly as stated, except for Niche and the Resistall show. Dinner didn't happen at all, which is fairly disappointing. Maybe some other time...
We did go to the Schlafly Tap Room around 8, and stayed for a couple of hours before hitting The Firebird, but had to leave before we actually saw anything. The Wizard had thrown his back out earlier in the week, and just wasn't up for it. Sometimes things do not work out as planned.
Often, things I plan do not work out as planned.

I did get to see the Star Trek exhibition with my parents, which was better than I expected. Mostly for the costume displays and the recreations of things like Jean Luc Picard's quarters, the bridge of the Enterprise from Next Generation, and the transporter room. Nerdiness abounded. I think my favorite things were Uhura, Spock, and Seven of Nine's costumes.

Today has been mostly lazy. A visit to The Wizard's parents'. Afterward he gave me an introductory lesson on driving a stick shift in the parking lot between a Kmart and Sports Authority. Scary! I did a lot better than expected, but do not expect to drive on a road near other vehicles anytime soon. We visited the art supply store in U-City, and had lunch at a teeny Middle Eastern market nearby, with excellent felafel. That word doesn't look right, but spell check says it is. Hm.
We got home, napped the afternoon away like cats, ate leftover lasagna for dinner, and split a bottle of wine over the movie. I should have gone jogging. I regret that, but I was cold, and had no motivation.

I do not look forward to tomorrow. C'est la vie.
I apologize for being dull today. That's all for now.

215. Saturday.

2012-01-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

I'm going to do a quick morning post today, because I have many plans for this frosty Saturday, and I'm afraid I won't be able to find time later.

The day should look something like this:

Breakfast: Cantaloupe, scrambled eggs, toast, french roast.
Errands: Banking, oil Change, mailing an English textbook to Amazon.
Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Rad.
Afternoon Outing: A visit to the Science Center with my parents to see the Star Trek exhibit. Hopefully silly iPhone photos to document said outing.
Dinner: A dinner date to Niche in celebration of the Wizard and I's two year anniversary. I had to save it for today because I got paid yesterday, and Niche is SCHMANCY.
Punk-rock Show: Our friend Laurel used to be in a band called Resistall. They broke up forever ago, but are having a reunion show tonight, opening for The Dead Celebrities at The Firebird. I'm bringing my dslr, but just for practice. The Firebird is quite dark, and I don't have an external flash. But if anything comes of it, I'll post the results.

Gosh, I love the weekend. xo Kisses! xo

214. Learning Lasagna

2012-01-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

Well that went well. Amazingly.
No, seriously, I just made lasagna. For the first time ever, and it was quite tasty. Though, to be fair, I think that my version shared more qualities with a vegetarian deep dish pizza than it did your standard lasagna, but who am I to say what lasagna is supposed to be? I've eaten almost no lasagna in my entire life, and it really just seems like a towering stack of noodles and sauce and cheese and noodles and sauce and cheese and on and on...

I rely mostly on the Wizard's reception of said lasagna, because it is a dish he is far more familiar with than I.
He endorsed it wholeheartedly, and that makes me glow with stupid-girlfriend delight.

It was also mercifully simple. I really was nervous about the whole thing, and then it came out splendidly, in spite of my alterations and additions of flare, and the fact that I had very little idea what I was doing. It just isn't that hard. For reference, I loosely used the recipe on the back of the lasagna noodle box, because all of the recipes I had found on Epicurious were much more elaborate and "Gourmet" than I wanted for my first attempt.

Lame confession: I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to make the Gourmet Magazine logo small enough and crisp enough to fit where I typed, "Gourmet". And in MS Paint, because I do not have Photoshop installed on this laptop. I am not that talented.

Next time though, I intend to try something much sexier, like this. Mine actually had swiss chard, mushroom, and ricotta, but it did not have béchamel . Béchamel is sexy. SEXY.

I have no idea where to go from here. I've been discussing lasagna as if it were breasts. Lasagna is not, and will never be, breasts.

In fact...
Yeah.
You know what?
This.

MANIACAL. LAUGHTER.
/end.

213. Today Feels Like Friday, But It Isn't.

2012-01-12T19:42:00.000-08:00

It snowed all day. Thanks to the poorly executed response by my fair city, traffic was a nightmare. Two hours after I left my house this morning, I finally arrived at work. Somehow...that didn't really bother me at all. In the end, my boss let me leave early so I wouldn't have the same experience on my way home, meaning I only had to work 5 1/2 hours. Awesome!

Getting home early gave me time to make a more elaborate dinner, though it turned out not to take nearly as long as I thought it might. I decided this morning that I wanted to make a coconut tofu mess over brown rice. Usually I don't bother with brown rice because it takes twice as long as white rice to cook, but I really do prefer it. It has such a fantastic texture and flavor.

Feast Magazine, one of my two favorite free publications, had an article this month about another type of rice I'm dying to try. I had never heard of Forbidden Rice, and I'm hoping to find it this weekend at Whole Foods. Whole Foods is my foodie paradise, and I cannot afford to buy all of my groceries there, but I do like to go whenever I get paid. I've found a lot of the prices are actually comparable to what I pay elsewhere, but not so much that I could do all of my shopping in one place. I try to buy organic and sustainable whenever possible, and seem to be doing pretty well at it shifting between Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and the regular stores. I also have a soft spot for Jay's International Foods on Grand for more exotic ingredients, but I'm fairly certain that everything there is conventionally farmed. Mostly, I go to Whole Foods because it's a magical food heaven where everything is beautiful and fresh and smells wonderful.

Back to dinner. I tossed together a concoction of tofu, onion, water chestnuts, and snow peas in a spicy coconut milk curry, which was served atop brown rice. It came out much better than anticipated, so I'm thrilled. Over the past two years I've been cooking a lot, and I think I'm finally reaching a point where I have a fair understanding of what flavors work well together. I usually only reference recipes for ideas, unless I'm baking or doing something else where proportions are particularly important. I think that tonight's creation was nearly exactly what I meant to do. Though, if I made it again, I think I would probably use full fat coconut milk, because it could have been quite a bit creamier, and I may have overdone the red peppers just a touch. I love spicy food, and it wasn't too hot...it just wasn't as balanced with the rest of the flavors as I would have liked. Honestly, if the sauce were creamier, the amount of peppers might have been just right.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to attempt a lasagna for the first time. I don't think it's going to be complicated, except as usual, I've decided to come up with my own version rather than follow a recipe. Which might not be wise on a first attempt, but I can't resist. I bought fresh spinach, rainbow chard, and mushrooms to include in the layers. I'll let you know how it turns out.

212. BoringBoringBoring

2012-01-11T19:17:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot worth posting today. Whenever I found a free moment at work, I toyed with a *very* short story I've been picking at for a while. I've never been very good at coming up with plot lines, so I usually don't get very far once I come up with a character or two. I'll still post it as soon I'm done, of course. I actually really like it, even if it is smaller than bite-sized.

It is my secret wish to one day write fiction, but it's not looking very promising thus far. Like everything else I fantasize about doing, I don't devote nearly enough time to honing my skills. I think the problem might be that I want to be good at too many things, causing me to be a dabbler, rather than a master. Maybe it's time to start narrowing my focus just a little. I'm hoping that over the course of the next year, posting on this blog every day will have the side effect of developing greater self-discipline, if nothing else.

Other things... I went to a gym down the street today and got a free trial pass to check it out, but I didn't end up buying a membership. All I did was run on a treadmill, which is something I can do outside, for free. The only reason I haven't been running is because I get home after dark, and my neighborhood is, how do you say...sketchy? Yeah. So I run occasionally, but only on the weekends when it's nice and bright out. I thought that having a gym membership would give me more chances to run, but I decided perhaps my money could be better spent in other ways.

While I was there, I ran a mile all at once, and then I think another mile, but it was broken up into 1/4 mile pieces with walking breaks. I am sadly out of shape.
Next week I start my yoga class on Thursdays. The college version is a ton cheaper than a studio membership, and it should get me back into a routine where I actually crave exercise instead of making excuses to myself about eating cookies and drinking a lot of beer. I look forward to fashioning my limbs into spaghetti noodles again.

That's about it. I'll leave you with a really great song and corresponding music video.
It's been one of my obsessions this week. G'night!

211. Snot.

2012-01-10T19:20:00.000-08:00

Considering the fact that Tom Waits is unquestionably one of my favorite people on the planet, I have no good excuse as to what took me so long to see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, but I finally got around to it tonight. Somehow, I also failed to realize until the very end of the movie that it was directed by Terry Gilliam, another person I enjoy. All except for Tideland, that is.
Do not watch that movie ever. I'm not joking.

So I live in a hole, and Imaginarium was pretty entertaining. 'Twere no Baron Munchausen, but I liked it nonetheless.

The boy is out of town until Friday, wizarding, as wizards often do. Which leaves me and the pets to hang around making soup and watching television. I had originally planned to go to the gym tonight, but gave up on that, as well as rudely bailed on a dinner invitation, because I feel like poo.

I am highly allergic to Missouri. Not all the time, but today was definitely one of them. I am also out of Allegra. I may have been delirious at one point because I flaked out and wrote a poem about my misery when I should have been working. I think my boss might have seen me.
It's terrible, and mostly true. Enjoy!

Snot

There is a dripping

accompanied by a tickling

and an itching

in my nostrils

that pours forth

as a tiny Niagara,

soaking me through my tissue,

and punctuated by an A-CHOO!

so big that everyone around me

turns to look.

I cringe, embarrassed,

but the dripping carries on

unaware that I dislike attention,

and completely unconcerned.

“I have allergies”,

I weakly explain,

but I can tell by their expressions

that no one believes me.

I am a threat;

the plague-bringer,

come to infect them all

with some anonymous cold.

It is 9am.

There are eight hours to go

and already, my desk

is littered in paper mache

stones, made heavy with snot.

A post regarding neti pots

appears on the company intranet,

and I self-consciously decide

the message is personal.

I cast paranoid glances

over my shoulder and wonder,

"How do they know?"

The clock drags itself

to 10am.

I am shipwrecked

in a sea of soggy dumplings

with little hope of rescue.

I Google things like,

“How long does it take to drown?”

and, “How to make anti-histamines

out of office supplies”.

I begin to imagine

my discarded tissues as

unintentional origami,

but give up on the idea

because no matter how hard

I squint,

none of them resemble cranes.

11am.

*Sniff*
Only six more hours...

210. Suck it, Monday.

2012-01-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

Let it be known and officially documented, I hate my job. It has its perks, of course; 3 weeks of vacation a year, getting to listen to my headphones while I work, and once I've been there a year, I'll be eligible for tuition reimbursement. All good things! But there is no opportunity for movement within the company, nor are my talents noticed or appreciated. I am held to inhuman expectations for perfection by my supervisor, yet my job is void of any mental stimulation. I don't think I would be capable of devising a better form of torture for myself.

A retarded robo-monkey could do what I do, and for a lot less money. In the 8 months that I have been employed, I have not made a SINGLE FRIEND. The coffee is terrible. I spend nearly every day, all 8 hours of it, grinding my teeth and feeling like my blood pressure is so high the top of my head is going to blow off. I drive a soul-sucking 45 minutes each way, and I skip my lunch break every single day, just so that I can get away from there 1/2 an hour sooner. If flames and lasers could come out of my eyes literally, rather than just figuratively, I would use them to start a small fire under my desk and burn the entire building down.

This...is...my life...I am Peter Gibbons...

I should find something else, only that is, for the most part, corporate America. I don't think I'm wrong in believing that I will have the exact same complaints no matter where I go in this city, and that on the off chance I do find something better, it won't be any less of a commute.

Guh. Thank you for letting me vent.

In other news, I went through some pretty fantastic video tutorials today. If there is a piece of software that you would like to learn, I highly recommend Lynda.com. It's $25 a month for a membership, but in one day, it has already demystified a substantial portion of Photoshop for me. I think I may finally be able to start trying to shoot in raw format on my digital slr, and I'm very excited about that.

I also stopped by school to pick up my textbooks, because classes start next week! EEEK! I'm taking 10 credit hours this semester, and I'm hoping I can squeak through without destroying my 4.0 in the process. I enjoy a good challenge. YAR!

209. Creative Chameleon

2012-01-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be honest. I'm freaking tired. I just spent my evening at Punch Drunk Comedy drinking beer with my Wizard. Then I come home and stuffed my face full of pretzels, peanut butter, and swiss cheese. Not all at once, just switching off between peanuts and cheese on pretzel sandwiches...I remember getting exercise. Many months ago. Or even a year ago, when that exercise came at regular intervals and all year round. Those were the days. But back to this evening, and the point of this post...

There's this fandom thing that I hate about myself, where whenever I am surrounded in other people's creativity, I want to partake of said creativity too. If you put me in a room by myself, I'll immediately revert to photography, doodles, and on occasion, poorly crafted poetry, because that's me.
I think.

Or maybe that's just the lazy portion of myself, in which I choose to shoot photos because it's instant gratification, and not necessarily because it's my natural talent. Or I sling words around because it's satisfying without actually having to try. While that question remains unanswered (in my mind), here's my point; I have definite chameleon properties, which means that the people I choose to surround myself with determines the sort of person I begin to resemble. It's not that I am intended to be anything in particular, but I am to a great extent, a product of my environment. I suspect the same could be said for just about anyone.

In a sense, that's a useful trait. I can choose to place myself among people who I admire or desire to be more like, and I will start to emulate those same qualities. But it can also be incredibly confusing, when, for example, it leads me to place myself in a situation I am less than comfortable with. Being on stage has always been one of the latter examples. I love theater. I love performance. Yet I have never been able to translate my appreciation into one of participation without becoming paralyzed by extreme terror. This sucks, because it leads me to feelings of inadequacy, failure, and incompetence that I shouldn't really feel. I think that mentally, I might be a lot healthier and balanced if I never knew there were such a thing as being the center of attention, or that a person could compete with other people and come out of it feeling superior in some way.

Still. The idea holds a lot of thrill. Like getting away with putting graffiti on a wall that doesn't belong to you, being bold enough to get on stage and perform feels like a victory. And it's one that I haven't really ever gotten to enjoy, but in the most miniscule portions. My "stage" experience is limited to things like speaking in front of 4-5 of my co-workers during a meeting at work. Or wearing a panda suit and dancing around in front of little kids, knowing full well that the suit grants me full anonymity from being recognized or remembered by anyone I encounter.

Then I go to some stupid comedy show and sit there thinking to myself that I could do better than that. Not because comedy is easy. It isn't. I just have that accursed superiority complex that makes me think I am somehow more talented and smarter and faster, etc. etc. etc., than the majority of people around me. The only reason I haven't acted on it is that I know for a fact it isn't true; that the only reason I feel that way is because I am delusional and sort of in love with myself, and that makes me believe myself when I think things like, "I could do better than that."
I'm not sure how I came to be equipped with both the exceptional ego gene and the self-defeating gene at the same time, but somehow, they seem to cancel each other out. I just end up sitting at these sorts of events thinking, "I could totally do that," and at the same time, "I couldn't possibly do that if I tried with everything I had."
It's all very confusing, and probably the entire reason I never get anywhere.

By the way, I tried a new beer tonight. It's Scottish, and made out of seaweed. Quite good, really, I recommend it if you get the chance.

208. An Anniversary

2012-01-07T21:05:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today, I got on a plane feeling terrified, nervous, and full of regrets. My marriage was over, and even though I had decided to put off the conversation until my return, we both knew this was the last time we'd call it quits. As I waited to board my flight, I sat at the gate crying into a cup of Starbucks drip coffee, trying to make sense of what I really wanted in life. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew that I needed to see someone, and that if I saw them, everything would make sense.

It was early in the morning when I left Seattle, and as the plane moved eastward, I watched the sun rise out the window to my right. During that flight, I listened to a lot of music, but the only albums I can remember were the soundtrack to Lost in Translation, and the Dark was the Night compilation. I'm not sure if I had even considered how perfectly they fit my situation when I put them on my iPhone, I just copied as much music as I thought would fit onto it, packed more clothes than I needed, and headed off to the airport.

There was a brief stop-over in Denver, and another hour and a half or so to the Midwest. By the time the plane landed, my heart was slamming through my chest with every beat. As I made my way to the baggage claim, I got a text message from the person who was supposed to pick me up. They said they were running late, and it would be a few minutes. I couldn't make myself sit down, so I paced. 10 minutes later, I was still pacing, when suddenly time seemed to slow, and the crowd of people parted exactly the way it does in the movies. My breath literally caught in my throat, and we locked eyes as he emerged from the throngs of travelers swirling around him.

It was freezing out, and his ears glowed bright red against his blonde hair and black leather motorcycle jacket; the same jacket he'd been wearing for as long as I'd known him. All at once, I knew everything was ok. That everything I thought I felt was real, good or bad, and that today I could start fresh, however I wanted to be from now on. With a running start, I leapt onto him so hard that he had no choice but to catch me or fall backward. Fortunately, he caught me, and I hugged him harder than I had hugged anyone in a long time.

And that was it. I will remember that weekend as one of the best weekends of my entire life until the day I die. In 3 days, I realized how to finally be honest with myself, reconnected with some of the best friends I could ever ask for, and discovered what needed to happen in order to truly be happy. Because of that, I consider January 7th to be an anniversary of sorts. Rather than mark the end of a relationship, or the start of a new one, I think of today as the day my entire life changed for the better.

207. Experimental Food Adventure

2012-01-06T17:05:00.000-08:00

Tonight is about food, mainly because nothing really interesting happened today. In fact, the only thing that happened at all was the fact that I missed a nearly 70 degree day of perfection, in JANUARY, because I had to WORK. I came home feeling pretty disappointed, and at a complete loss as to what to make for dinner. While staring blankly into my refrigerator hoping for answers, I discovered a tupperware container of leftover white beans and decided to try making veggie burgers. Patties. Things...
I'm not really sure what to call them, because they tasted more like falafel without the spices than they did a burger of any kind.

These are the second veggie patty thingies I have ever made. The first attempt was a few months ago, and consisted of black beans and broccoli. They were also delicious. The nice thing about bean patty creations is that you can make them a million different ways. Today, I opted for a pretty simple white bean and kale situation.

Place Northern White Beans in a bowl, and finely chop two large leaves of kale. Or, if you have already chopped kale, just chop up a handful a bit finer.

Add the chopped kale to the white beans, along with salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. Or other seasonings of choice. Mash all of the ingredients together to the best of your ability. I do not recommend using a food processor because it purees the beans too much, and they don't form quite as nice of a patty in the end.

Much like making a meatloaf, you need something to bind it all together. Add one egg, and as many bread crumbs as needed to create a consistency somewhat like mashed potatoes. If you are vegan, I can't really help you with an egg substitute, though I suspect something like vegannaise might be a good selection? Feel free to add suggestions in the comments.

Form patties using your hands. Keep in mind these do not shrink as they cook, and a thinner pattie will cook through faster than a thick one. Obviously. Science.

While the patties are cooking, prep whatever sorts of toppings you'd like. I would have been especially excited about sprouts today, as the crunch would be an ideal compliment, but we don't have any at the moment. But I do have tomatoes and avocado, which are excellent choices as well.

Don't forget the toast! Hello, toast.

These didn't take a long time to cook, so pay attention! Be vigilant in your cooking duties, flipping the patties when they have turned a lovely golden brown on the bottom. Try not to burn the precious patties, as it would be a tragedy of the worst kind.

Assembly time! Assembly is the best part, because afterward, you eat, and eating was the entire point. Bon appetit!

206. It's Nerd Time

2012-01-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

Confession. I have spent my entire evening doodling Star Wars characters, which I am not going to post because I don't feel that I'm ready to plunge into the world of fan art just yet. They weren't very good, anyway. (Note to self. More art classes, please.)
Now I'm going to play the original Oddworld from PS1 and drink Cosmopolitans. Yep.

Post script. I wrote this before reading my pal Josh's vow to blog every day for the next 365 days, just because. I like challenges, and I like Josh, so I'm in. Does that count as a resolution? Let's not call it that then, because resolutions are made to be broken. I'll just try my best, ok?

Post, post script. Have you watched the video for M83's Midnight City yet? I guess it came out a few months ago, I'm just behind. Whatever. Just watch it and wish that you could blow doors off their hinges with your mind.

205. Off to a Good Start

2012-01-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

NYE was...strange. Not what we expected AT ALL, but we had a drunken blast. The speakeasy party was so, so bad. Tons of people dressed in 20's outfits, with a burlesque show featuring music from the 40's, a dj playing hits from the 80's, and a 40 minute wait in line to get drinks at the bar. But the venue was pretty, there were hors d'ouerves aplenty, and the bartenders compensated for the lengthy wait by giving out generously strong drinks, which they mixed for you two at a time.

We spent most of the night taking really ridiculous photos of each other, ate a ton, and the wizard and I got our dance on. Back at our friends' hotel were more drinks, followed by our making friends with some foreign exchange students from Dubai after I impulsively stuck my head in their room when I heard them laughing through the crack in the door.

Yesterday was spent recovering. The wizard and I grabbed breakfast at a crepe place downtown, called Rooster, and then cabbed it back to Mad Art to pick up his car. I recommend the restaurant, it's great.

While waiting for the taxi, I snapped this photo, which I entered in this weekend's hashtag project on Instagram. (That's my wizard, in case you're wondering.)

It was actually the second photo I entered, but definitely better than my first attempt. This morning I got a message that my photo was one of the team's favorites out of the 800+ submissions they received, and it was featured on the Instagram blog. Which prompted me to run screaming through my teeny apartment, like I'd won the lottery or something. I know it's not a huge thing, but I think it's the most recognition that a single one of my photos has ever received, and I am so excited/flattered I could die. I think it may have made my entire year.

Then later, we stopped by Walgreens, and I found a $20 bill lying on the ground! That never happens!

If 2012 continues this way, who knows what could happen...

Happy New Year to you! I hope it's starting out just as good as mine!!!

204. New Year's Eve, Day. 12:27pm

2011-12-31T11:19:00.000-08:00

2011...went by really really quickly. Wow. I feel like I blinked, and that was it. Done.

As for resolutions, I have none. But I do have a dog who looks deeply depressed that we haven't gone on a walk in a week. That won't do at all, so I will spend my last afternoon of the year walking around Forest Park, and hopefully taking a few photos. Tonight, I'll ring in the new year at Mad Art Gallery with my wizard, 2 fabulous friends, some bad dancing, and a lot of champagne.

Not a bad way to end a year, if you ask me. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

203. Christmas Aftermath

2011-12-27T11:54:00.000-08:00

I skipped work today in lieu of staying in and collecting myself after a very hectic Christmas weekend. Friday night, the Wizard and I finished wrapping gifts and made latkes with pork chops for dinner. (Not very Kosher. I know.) Latkes turned out to be much easier to make than I had anticipated, and tasted very very delicious. Ours were blended with onions, seasoned with salt, pepper and rosemary, and topped with a homemade apple puree. Nom!

Saturday we spent Christmas Eve with his family, Sunday with my family, and Sunday night with friends from out of town. Even though I got in a couple jogs through the park, I still feel I have eaten nothing but sugar and fat-stuff for days (which is true). We also received a lot more gifts than we know what to do with, so we've been trying to find space for everything in the teeny 2nd story pirate ship we call home.

Everything sort of caught up with me yesterday, because I spent the entire day oozing snot and sneezing non-stop. I slept all afternoon, while the Wizard concocted a fanTASTic chicken soup from scratch. We spent the evening curled up on the couch playing the Ratchet and Clank game he got me for Christmas, and watching Season 1 of Louie, which I got him for Christmas. I feel much better today, fortunately (except for the fact that my pants feel a bit tight, that is).

All I want to do is crawl into bed and hibernate for the rest of the winter, but the fridge is empty, the house is a mess, and I still have to find a dress to wear on New Year's Eve. Sleep will have to wait.

Post Script*
I forgot to post photos of how my Design 1 final turned out. Such a tease, to only show you the work in progress. This is it. It's a 3 dimensional recreation of a cubist still life by Roy Lichtenstein. Acrylic on 1/4" birch plywood. The first shot was taken during our in-class critique, the second after it had been hung in the hallway of the art building on display.

There are a lot of mistakes and things I wish I had done differently, but overall, I feel pretty satisfied. I've never made anything even close to something like this before. I think we're going to hang it over our dining room table, after I touch up a couple of spots that could use some work.

202. Study Breaks

2011-12-07T19:57:00.001-08:00

I have spent like...my whole day. Working on my research paper, and I feel like I am to the point of squeezing blood from a marshmallow. Which is to say, marshmallows don't bleed. So in the spirit of blood colored things, here is a girl drinking wine and trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
Thanks, Joey!

By the way, if you enjoyed these shenanigans, she has more.

201. Friday Art Nite

2011-12-02T18:39:00.001-08:00

So I was thinking of starting a new little featurette of sorts, on occasion, reviewing wines and other beverages I come across. Wine especially, for its dearness to my heart, but also because I frequently cannot remember the names of those I really fell for. In which case, it would selfishly be more of a catalog for my own use, but hopefully you'll like it too.

Tonight is art-nite in the Galley, the name we've given our silly two room apartment (or three, if you count the bathroom) for its strange resemblance to a ship sailing amongst the second-floor trees. I'm frantically trying to piece together my Design 1 final, and the wizard has been playing with this hilarious concept for a bust of PlaqueMan. (*PlaqueMan being the nemesis in the dental hygiene show my boy stars in...long story with a lot of copyright restrictions and whatnot, I'm sure.)

Anyway, he's come up with this modeling clay made from baking soda, corn starch and water, which he is now sculpting with, and will hopefully use to make a silicon mold from. Once the mold exists, he hopes to melt a lot of donated Halloween candy into it and let it harden in a sort of melty monstrosity...

And for my assignment, a three dimensional sort of relief recreating a cubist painting. I chose a Lichtenstein, and am attempting to make it out of 1/4" birch plywood. So far so good, but it's definitely more than I should have bitten off for a lower level art class.

The evening has looked a bit like this:

Primer, dough, chunks of wood, and a bottle of wine. It's a delightful mess!

That brings me to the wine. I love the wine. It's a French import, from my favorite wine store in St. Louis, 33. I asked for an earthy sort of dry red, in the $20 range, and this is what I got:

From the back label, "Mas des Dames, or Farm of the Ladies, is hidden in the hills behind the ancient Mediterranean city of Beziers. Celebrated for its three generations of beautiful daughters, the Mas has 32 acres of old vines parceled into small plots along the contours of its hillside. The owners hand-harvest Grenache (50%), Carignan (30%) and Syrah (20%) to make this deliciously supple southern French wine, filled with alluring scents of wild herbs."

What I love about 33 is that they store their wines at the correct temperature, as my pal Nelle was quick to point out when she first introduced us to the place. It's amazing the difference that it makes, compared to room temperature bottle you'd snag at the grocery store on your way home. The Wizard and I decanted this one for about 30 minutes while we made ourselves a Thai-wanna-be dinner of coconut rice topped with rockfish, onion and apples, in a soy sauce, dark sesame oil, and crushed red pepper sort of concoction. Dinner was delicious, but the wine had to wait until afterward. It wasn't purchased with the intention of complimenting the food; I wanted it to stand all on its own.

It was described to me as "barn-yardy", but I'm really not a fan of that description. It makes me think of peed on hay and manure smells...not something I want to drink.

This wine is earthy, herby, and intensely flavored with dark fruit. Maybe like dried raspberry, or more likely, dried blackberry. It's very dry, but in a good way. Possibly more of a medium body than full, but definitely leaning toward full. Immediately drinkable, the tannins are balanced and smooth.
We loved.
After tax it came to $20.60, I believe, which is more than I normally feel good about spending, but I was splurging and this one didn't disappoint. Give it a try, if you get the chance.

200. And, Panic

2011-11-26T09:23:00.001-08:00

SO MUCH TO DO BEFORE THE SEMESTER ENDS!
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

199. Thankfully, Thanksgiving is Thursday

2011-11-20T14:23:00.001-08:00

Howdy. It's been a while. How are you?

I've been busy like a bee makin' bee-stuff. My first semester back in school is almost over, and I'm rushing around trying to get everything done that I'm supposed to do. Unfortunately, it's been so hectic that I actually missed an online quiz I was supposed to take for English on Friday. I've worked really hard to get all of my homework done and turned in early, and this one little thing has dropped me from a solid A to a low B. I sobbed my guts out over it this morning, because it was completely through my own oversight, and there isn't enough time left in the semester to be able to get my A back. I realize that crying over a B seems excessive, but I was so excited to have straight A's. I couldn't wait to see a 4.0 GPA on my transcript. I've really come to embrace my nerdiness, I think, and I was especially looking forward to making the dean's list.
Anyway, I emailed my professor to see if there's anything else I could do to make it up, but I don't expect him to help me out. He seems like he's pretty strict about everything.

That brings me to the thankfulness part, however. Thanksgiving is probably my very favorite holiday, though I love any excuse to gather in good company and enjoy fabulous food and drinks. I mean, who doesn't? Fall is also my favorite season for a billion reasons, but mostly because nestling into a cozy house and making time to enjoy the best things in life is incredibly satisfying on so many levels.

My brother and his girlfriend are in town from Alaska for a couple of weeks, before they head to Peru for adventures. Last night they came down to the city to have drinks, and we stayed up most of the night listening to music, playing with cameras and laughing ourselves half to death.The Wizard and I made a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and biscuits this morning before they headed off.
I wish I could live closer to my brother, or at least that we would get to visit each other more often. We always have the best time hanging out. Having a pretty talented photographer for a brother is great too, because you always end up with a photo or two that makes you feel really good about yourself.

After they left, I discovered the sudden drop in my English grade, and I was so crushed that I didn't know what to do with myself. But I am super fortunate to have a truly supportive boyfriend, who scooped me up and hugged me until I couldn't be upset about it anymore. And the more I thought about that, the more thankful I felt in general. Actually, if Thursday is Thankful, then maybe today is Sappy Sunday, because I've had a serious case of the warm fuzzies all day. I think that I really love my life. And I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging about it, but I feel so happy lately, I feel like it's worth a post to say so. I am madly in love with a wonderful man, I get to spend the holidays with both our families, I have awesome friends, a great little apartment, and I really love being in college. For once, I don't feel like anything is missing. I still have lots of aspirations and hopes for the future, of course, but I really think I like where I'm at right now.
It feels really nice.

198. Pass the Calamine, Please

2011-09-21T05:41:00.000-07:00

Friday, we ran away to Southern Illinois and went camping for a couple of nights. It was the best time, with hiking and studying all sorts of fascinating moths, campfire cooking, and playing in the woods. It was only after I got home and showered that I began to discover the chiggers. At first, I thought they were tiny ticks, but no... There are some mosquito bites mixed in, too, and I think I found a few dots of poison ivy between my fingers this morning. My back and stomach are covered in so many little red dots that I look like I have the pox.

I AM SO ITCHY.

197. Arts & Maths

2011-09-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

This may be the first night that I've had nothing to do in several weeks. By nothing, I mean I still have homework, but I have no obligatory places to be, annnnd I'm home alone to enjoy it. Except for Frank-dog, who is sitting at my feet staring at me and shaking because I haven't had time to take him for a walk or a jog in too long. And also the cat. He doesn't really leave, even though I keep telling him to get a job so he can pay me the rent he owes me. I've been covering his half of groceries for over a year now.

School is going really well. Amazingly, I have an A in Algebra so far. I've only been dreading it forever, and then it turns out to be my favorite class of the semester. I wish I could say that about my Design I class, but so far it's been incredibly dull. My teacher doesn't speak the best English, so he spends lengthy periods of time making us watch him scribble examples on a piece of paper and saying, "Prease feerl free". Which I find adorable, because he reminds me of a young Mr. Miyagi...if Mr. Miyagi had longer hair and taught summer school in Venice, California so that he could surf in his off hours. But his class is BO-RING.

Anyway, we've been working on black and white line drawings, which we create by tracing a landscape photograph with black pens. I decided that if I was going to use a landscape photo, it may as well be one of my own. This was done over one I took when we stopped in Rodeo, NM a couple of years ago, during my week long tour of Arizona with my brother. It could be a lot better, but I'm not completely unhappy with it.

I also finally got around to renewing my Flickr account, so I've started uploading some things there again. Most of what I have to show for myself lately is from my iPhone, but I'm hoping to make use of my dslr while we're camping this weekend. SO LONG AS IT DOES NOT RAIN. It rained all day today. Fingers crossed.

Random music video time! This band is fantastic. Have some.

196. Sick

2011-08-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

Several days ago, my boy came home carrying a wretched cold. He begged me not to kiss him, but I did anyway. Now we both have the thing, and have been oozing and sneezing so much, I am actually on my third box of Kleenexes. Though I guess it would really be more like two and a half, since the first box was travel sized.

Anyway, after days of intensive product testing, I believe that I've come upon the perfect new slogan for those gentle souls at Kleenex, Inc.

I'm not really sure why the file degraded so much on upload...Blogger doesn't always seem to like jpegs.

195. Please Stop Beating That Dead Unicorn.

2011-08-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

The following is a list of things I feel have gotten a bit overdone, and I believe that it's time we gave them a rest. Please feel free to add any others you think I missed in the comments section below.

1. Ninjas
2. Pirates
3. Moustaches
4. Typography as art (@ & !)
4. Unicorns
5. Octopuses
6. Bacon
7. Zombies
8. Snuggies
9. "Keep calm and carry on"
10. Cupcakes

194. Eep!

2011-08-21T11:25:00.001-07:00

Classes start tomorrow! I'm a college student [again]!

193. The Not-So-Little Mermaid

2011-08-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

My Tinkerbell gig turned out to be a book signing at a public library. It seems that Mr. Dave Barry teamed up with Mr. Ridley Pearson sometime ago and began writing a sort of Peter Pan spin-off, which they titled the Peter and the Starcatchers series.

Currently, they're on tour to promote the release of book 5.
I didn't find out any of this until the day before, when I showed up to try on my costume. Which, I realized as it was being handed to me, was not Tinkerbell, but a mermaid instead. I had been replaced by a 16 year old who fit the part of Tinkerbell quite a bit better, being that she was much smaller and more spritely than me, and had a much larger attitude.

Not that I was upset. I was getting paid either way, and mermaids are pretty neat-o. So my entire purpose was to sit on a "treasure chest" in front of a pirate ship backdrop and have my photo taken with kids. Not bad, right? This turned out to be even easier than I expected, because almost no one wanted to have their photo taken with the mermaid. They were too busy harassing the mechanical toucan which was voiced by my wizard from behind a curtain. Which left me plenty of time to sit flipping my tail and imagining myself as Darryl Hannah in Splash, sans the blonde hair.

Tinkerbell spent most of the evening dramatically complaining to me that 1) she had a party to go to, and 2) the fluorescent lights were giving her a migraine. And just because these sorts of things are rarely ever without some complication, a little old lady informed the staff she thought her husband had died, because according to her, he'd fallen asleep in his chair and wouldn't respond. By the time the ambulance got there he was fine.

We wrapped up by 8, Tinkerbell dashed off to her party, the wizard and I picked up Cliffy and made it to Denny's party where we gorged on a spread of brats and cheese and brownies, and everyone lived happily ever after. The END.

192. August 11, 2011

2011-08-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how I magically stumbled into the world of dressing up in costumes for money, but I've been booked for my second "gig"/photo-op/strolling thing on Saturday.

Ok, that isn't true, I do know how. I begged my wizard-boyfriend to talk his boss-friend into hiring me for weekendy ventures. I always need extra money, and frankly, being paid $50 an hour to sweat my ass off inside a panda suit is sort of like a dream come true. I get to enjoy the thrill of "acting" without having to memorize any lines or worry about getting stage fright because I'm afraid everyone is staring at me. They aren't staring at me, they're staring at a giant panda wearing red high-top sneakers.

All I have to do on Saturday is dress up like Tinkerbell and have my picture taken with kids. Seriously, it's like I'm getting paid to go out on Halloween. HEE HEE!!!

I'm just curious to see how bad the costume is at my fitting tomorrow...
I kind of wish I could make my own.

191. Heat Wave

2011-08-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

It's been about 100 degrees for what seems like a month now...I don't want to hold my breath, but the heat wave seems to have finally broken over the past day or so.

To celebrate (and because it's been stuck in my head all day), Marilyn Monroe performing Heat Wave in "No Business Like Show Business":

190. Skate or Die / Skate to Die

2011-08-05T17:17:00.000-07:00

Sticks and stones may break your bones (if you happen to roller skate over them).

189. The Dog

2011-08-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

Downstairs,
my neighbor's dog is barking.
No, shrieking.

For the first several months,
I didn't mind.
My own dog is guilty
of alerting me to imaginary burglars
at my door.

But this dog...
This scabby, wretched thing.
"Allergies", she tells me.
Anxiety, I suspect,
but keep my diagnosis to myself.

I might have found it endearing,
if that were all.
If it were quiet.

But it is NEVER quiet.

188. A Nagging Sensation

2011-07-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

All day long I busy myself
Pushing anxiety down
down
down
into a well
inside myself
like a well made
in a heap
of flour
into which milk
is poured
and stirred
until biscuit dough appears.

I try my best not to think
a million thoughts
at once
racing
against one another
en masse;
the peloton,
vying
for my attention.

I am mostly successful.

But at night when I am
alone
my dog quietly pressing
himself into my side,
my insides
gnaw at themselves
as my
fingertips
fall prey to the
absentminded wanderings
of my teeth.
I never seem to have
enough band-aids,
yet somehow,
I always have more fingers.

187. Bukowski

2011-07-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

"another hot summer night as I sit here
and play at being a writer
again.
and the worst thing
of course
is that the words will never
truly break through for any of
us."

There was a time when I wanted to be a writer. I think I probably still do, but more than that, I feel like that stone everyone's always trying to squeeze blood out of. All those little fuses of creativity keep firing into space or missing their connections, so that I can't make any sense amidst the chaos.

Every day for 8 hours I sit in a cubicle, so busy I don't take breaks and usually cut my lunch short. But the work is mindless enough that I spend those 8 hours dreaming up all sorts of ideas and looking forward to 5:00 so I can trot home and get started. I even keep a stenographer's notebook at my desk to scribble things down in, yet my motivation hardly ever survives the drive home. By the time I get here, I'm so frustrated/depressed/tired/hungry that nothing happens at all. I want to scream. It feels like my own stagnation will swallow me whole and I'm not sure how much more of this town and its 100 degree summer I can stand.

Pacing my bedroom, I pass my bookcase for the fiftieth time, when a red and white binding jumps out at me. I remember Charles Bukowski. And that grizzled old bastard gives me just the encouragement I need.

"writing has been my fountain
of youth,
my whore,
my love,
my gamble.

the gods have spoiled me.

yet look, I am still
lucky,
for writing about a
writer's block
is better than not writing
at all."

186. As Jellyfish

2011-07-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

Crook of your neck
Thief of my heart
Pearlescent skin
To feast my eyes
We forget ourselves
Drifting as jellyfish
On a tender sea
Fragile things
In a careful dance
Each of us our poisons
Lying just below the surface

185. Summer in the City

2011-06-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

It is nearly July, and so far, I'm surviving my first mid-western summer better than I expected.

The new apartment has a pretty massive balcony with morning sun, so the wizard and I begun to dabble in container gardening. My previous experiences in growing plants have not ended well. I always manage to kill whatever it is, and the one time I didn't, a squirrel did it for me. But this time things are going much better. Our basil and mint are out of control. We also have window boxes of cherry tomatoes, and a couple of pots sprouting cilantro.

To my delight, it's also been storming quite a bit. Here's the one that rained out Shakespeare in the Park last weekend...

It was too bad; the show was very funny, and we didn't even make it through the first act. But it was lots of fun having a picnic dinner in the park with wine, and ending up under a tarp hiding from hail.

Afterward we tagged along to the cast party, where we watched a room full of wet Shakespearean actors perform their favorite bits and pieces of the show over appetizers and beer.

The next day we rode our bikes down to watch the Pride parade and hang out with some friends at the park. It was hot-hot-hot and sweaty, but there was lemonade in the shade. And drag queens! Then it was home to make ourselves spring rolls for dinner. They were so easy! Why doesn't everyone eat homemade spring rolls all the time? It's beyond me.

I found the rice paper wrappers at our neighborhood international market for something like $3.00. Just a quick dip in warm water, and then you roll up whatever you like. Ours were full of rice, ginger/lime sauteed shrimp, green onion, grated carrots, beans sprouts and cilantro. I made a super quick dipping sauce out of chili paste, soy sauce, a little dijon mustard, and a bit of rice wine vinegar.

Next up: Plans for the 4th. I have a 3 day weekend!

184. LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!

2011-06-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

I AM ON THE INTERNET!!! IN MY OWN HOME!!! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Woo.

For the first time in three abodes, I have internet. Internet that is mine, in my house, that I am using. For me. MINE.
Well...ours. Right. Sharing is fun for people who sleep together. Which we do.

In other news since last we met, I live in that apartment from the previous post. I have a new job which does not suck at all (except for the commute, which is long) and slightly better pay. Also, I am starting college [again] in 2 months, and I actually picked a major this time [graphic design]. So. That's that.

Missed you!

183. New Apartment!

2011-04-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

The wizard and I just put down our deposit on a new apartment this week! At 800 sq feet it may be small, but feels cozy rather than cramped, and I like the neighborhood. It's the perfect abode for your typical hipster/creative types that we grudgingly acknowledge we are.

Wood floors, exposed brick walls, with two purple-tinted windows in the living room! The living room is really sort of a "great room" I suppose, being that it shares the same space as the kitchen/dining area. It's a lovely kitchen full of granite counter tops and lots of cabinet space.

We can start moving in as soon as we pay the rest of the deposit, which I hope will be by next weekend (pending our applications being approved, that is). Things are looking up!

EXCITE-MINTS!!!

182. It Finally Happened.

2011-04-06T18:01:00.000-07:00

Someone actually hired me. A real job, with real, full time hours, and benefits, and a M-F daytime shift. It even pays a little more than what I'm making.
Best of all, I don't have to talk to customers ANY MORE. I get to sit at a computer, and type type type, and listen to my headphones.

So yeah. IN YER FACE CURRENT JOB! I have a new job!

181. A Very Bad Cake

2011-03-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Recently I think I might have mentioned something about being really excited to try making this Clementine Cake from Nigella's "How To Eat" cookbook. If I didn't, I'm sorry for remembering things I thought I might have said, but didn't. Sometimes I confuse my internal and external monologues.

Anyway, I decided to try and make it Friday night for what was supposed to be a very chic dinner party I planned for Saturday night. Unfortunately, I remain a disaster when it comes to cakes and often cookies too, and the following is what happened...

It began by boiling a bunch of seedless clementines for round of abouts 2 hours. At this point, I am excited, and enamored with how pretty they are as they bob around in the pan. Who boils clementines? That's ingenius!!!

After two very long hours, during which I check on the progress of the clementines every few minutes for fear they may burst open and explode orangey-goo all over my kitchen, they come to rest on a plate, like so:

The next step involved pureeing all of those lovely clementines, pulp and all, in a food processor. Then there was some addition of white sugar and baking powder, and grinding just over two cups of almonds. The problem was, I only bought one bag of almonds, which came to right around 1 and 1/2 cups or something?

At this realization, I panic for a moment. It's probably 11:30pm, I've had a cocktail or two, and certainly do not feel like driving myself BACK to the grocery store for this one thing I forgot. Looking around my kitchen, I discover a bag of coconut flakes in my freezer. Thank goodness! Filler!!!

Ok, so fingers crossed. We mix all of this nonsense together and dump it into my bundt cake pan. Only, upon doing so, I realize the recipe specifically calls for a springform pan, because THIS CAKE IS DELICATE. Oops.

Ah, well. What are you going to do, right? Let's just bake it and see what happens.

By the time it was done baking, around 1? I am tired. I want to sleep. And cakeykins actually crumbles into a billion pieces upon removing it from the pan. I decide that the best course of action is to take the destroyed mess of cake and mash it into an 8 inch square pan, then bake some more. Yes yes, I realize I am an idiot. Why did you not fully absorb the instructions before attempting to bake? Why did you decide to proceed, knowing you did not own a springform pan? To you I say this: FOR SCIENCE!!! But admittedly, I am an idiot who is not good at baking.

Anyway, it came out looking like cheesy hashbrowns, which I wasn't about to serve to my guests. I scrapped the idea and handed the pan to my Wizard, who spent the day picking at it and making happy sounds with his mouth full. I guess it tasted pretty ok, even if it was totally smashed and not pretty at all. I was so disenchanted, I forgot to photo the final product until days later. Today, actually.

Gross.

Saturday I ended up making an amazing lemon mousse that I've made before, and completely recommend. Why I can master custard and not a freaking cake, don't ask me. Top that with berries (fresh or frozen) and maybe a shortbread cookie. You'll love it, I promise.

180. In Which I Have A Very Large Headache

2011-03-10T16:57:00.000-08:00

Days off are my favorite. They should really happen more often.

Yesterday was a particularly awesome day off, because I think I got to do everything I love except go riding. It's probably for the best, since going riding would have made yesterday so perfect, my head probably would have exploded from trying to take it all in.

It began with making oatmeal Belgian waffles for breakfast. I topped them with blueberry jam and shared bites with my dog while playing a game of Civilization in my jammies. Afterward, I practiced my viola, which is something I should really do much more often because I still suck.

Sometime around noon I finally decided to shower, and then took Frank for a nice walk through the ghetto to take in a little fresh air and graffiti. My neighborhood is especially fun to walk in because there are so many things to look at. First there's the architecture - mostly brick buildings dating from the late 1800's. Many of them are being rehabbed and look very nice, but just as many have the windows knocked out or boarded up, with vines and things growing all over them. I can never decide which I like better. The decay is really sort of beautiful. Then of course the various dogs and cats we find, the vacant lots turned trash pile villages for free-range chickens, the alleyways full of sinks and mattresses... Adventure!

In the afternoon, I took the new laptop to my favorite coffee shop around the corner in order to use their internets and eat a cookie. So now the laptop has iTunes, and I am finally able to back up my iPhone. Hoo-ray!

My bestie came over for dinner and is eating for two, so I got to cook a little more. I've been enamored with eggplants lately, and decided to try a Nigella Lawson recipe for Moussaka from her book How To Eat. Topped with mint and a little sour cream, and sopped up with crusty French bread! Delicious! Definitely making it again.

Now here comes the part about the headache:
After my bestie went home (around 7:30 because she tires quickly of too much fun these days), the wizard and I decided it would be best to finish off as much wine as possible. By 10 I was rather sloshy and decided that I was in the mood to fingerpaint. The only squishie sort of paint I have is a bottle of black fabric paint that I bought a long time ago with the intention of making a Rorschach t-shirt for myself. I ruined the shirt by using too much paint, and didn't have enough money to try again.

I spread out all over the living room floor pretending to myself that I was a great Japanese calligraphy artist, smearing black paint on every scrap of paper I had.

At some point, I ran out of paper, and started painting on myself. When I decided I was coated enough, I went to wash up, and ended up very drunkenly fingerpainting the bathroom wall.

As you can see, it is no masterpiece, but it was terribly fun.
And tonight I get to paint it back.

179. Monday, Served Grey and Cold

2011-03-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like posting, but I don't really have anything interesting to say at the moment. Have some iPhone photos instead! These are from my Instagram feed, so if you follow me there, sorry for the repeat. If not, you can follow me @BadPonee, and we can be hipster photo-nerds together! Muah!

178. Texting with Strangers

2011-02-23T10:05:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago, I was sitting around watching tv with the boy when I received this photo via text from some person in San Francisco:

I like when things like this happen, so I decided to reply.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Me: HI!!!!! You guys look like you're having FUN!!! What are you DOING?! Where is this?

SF: now who is this..im sorry!

Me: Your mom?

SF: its your shower..right?

Me: I prefer baths, actually.

SF: my mother aint here no moe!
SF: do i have yhe wrong#

Me: Moe really isn't a flattering name for a woman...it's probably for the best she changed it.

SF: you miss your callin my niggah!

Me: No I didn't! I had it on vibrate.

SF: please go to bed...hope for your ever lasting dirt nap!

Me: It's things like this that make me love you.
(...no response)
Me: Are we friends? I hope we are friends.

(At this point she decides to call me, but of course I do not answer because that would have been awkward. She also does not leave a voicemail.)

SF: i think i dial da wrong number..sorry mr not funny!

Me: I'm a girl. :( And I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.
Me: We're still friends, right?

SF: i dail the wrong number....
SF: great sense of humor

Me: Aw! We are friends!

SF: now..lets become freind..who da hell is you..r you hot?

(What kind of question is that to ask a new friend?)

Me: Not so hot. It's February.
__________________________________________________________________________________

After that the responses got really boring and I lost interest, so I'm not even going to bother posting the rest.

177. Fun with Watercolors

2011-02-17T16:22:00.000-08:00

Every time I visit my parent's house, I am sent home with some random item (or five). The other day I was helping my mom arrange the seemingly endless boxes of art supplies she has sitting in her basement, and ended up leaving with two small trays of watercolors, which, I'm guessing have been down there for at least 15 years, probably longer. I think I may even own watercolors already, but the fact that these sat on my coffee table staring at me for at least a week resulted in my eventual experimentation with them.

I've always wanted to learn to paint, but I have yet to get around to doing much about it. And if I were going to learn, watercolors would have been my last choice. They've always struck me as fairly boring, since the only pictures you ever see with them are streams and water mills and fields of flowers.

...Actually, that's not true.
My wizard made me a mix cd last year when I came to visit, with a rad watercolor cover of a shark surrounded in the ghosts from Pac Man. [Inside joke...we're dumb.] But that was the first time I ever thought of them as anything other than old lady-ish.

The last time I was at my parent's house, I was picking through a copy of Artist's Magazine that my mom had lying around. In it, was an article about a watercolor artist named Ali Cavanaugh who I've fallen head, toes, and tea-kettle over. The magazine ended up going home with me, so I've been pouring over the pictures of her watercolors every morning at breakfast.

No drab puddles on wrinkled paper, just vibrant colors and silly socks, fantastic enough to inspire my doodlings for the foreseeable future.
[Click here to read the full article]

176. Thursday/Schmursday

2011-02-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

Update:
My fruitless job hunt continues. I have now lost track of how many times I have re-written my cover letter in an effort to make it more concise. I remain very happy with the quality of my resume, and cannot find any further ways to tweak it. Neither can anyone else I ask for feedback.

That should seem promising, except that I'm not getting any worthwhile interview requests out of it. I rarely get a reply to an application, and those I do hear from turn out to be either suspicious or low-paying. Sometimes both. In the past week I have turned down two interviews based on the fact that they asked me to bring a copy of my credit report to the interview and then side-stepped my request for more information about the company.

That's what I get for responding to Craigslist ads, I suppose. Usually, I make a point to only apply directly through nice, legitimate, company-run websites, but a girl can only take so many "Thanks for your interest, but the position has been filled" emails.

I did have two interviews this week with a department store. Interview #1 seemed ok, but I don't think #2 went well at all. I'm sure it wouldn't have even paid very well, so it's not like I'm that broken up about it. But I do feel pretty pathetic that I can't even seem to nail a measly retail interview. My confidence is getting rather bruised these days. Something resembling week-old bananas.

175. And, breathe.

2011-01-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

We moved in to our new apartment-condo-thing over three months ago, and I think we're finally, finally settling in.

The Christmas tree came down on Monday. Late, I know, but it was our first tree together, and really pretty, and sort of helped ease us into the new year after nearly two months of whirlwind moving/working/celebrating. We had both gotten really attached to it and decided to let it stay until we were ready to move on.
Don't worry, it was fake. I'm not the sort of girl who hangs on to rotting plants and old tin cans because I can't bear to throw them out.

I'm still looking for a better job, while the boy is basically working four; two part-time, and then a couple of paid acting gigs that are each working out to about 3-4 shows a month. It's been a bit stressful, but it's also been strangely fun. It's forced me to be creative, and simplify my life at the same time. Instead of buying frivolous stuff I'll use once and toss in a closet, I give every purchase careful consideration. I only bring home the things I really want or need, and as a result, I have all but eliminated buyer's regret. Neat!

And maybe it's because I'm 29, and that's the time that grey hairs start to populate one's head anyway, but lately I've been noticing quite a few around my temples. They're still hidden under the upper layers of my hair, so I doubt anyone would even notice but me. My hair is light enough that they look more like little blondies until you get right up on top of them.
But I know they're there.
I would blame stress, except that I rarely feel stressed about anything for more than a day. The funny thing is, I thought I would be upset to be going grey and run straight out to the drugstore for a box of dye, but I'm not. I'm sort of secretly delighted by them.
So long as I don't have to have wrinkles too. :P

174. On New Year's Day

2011-01-01T12:46:00.001-08:00

Hi. How have you been? It's been a while, no? Ah, well. What better time to start again than on the first of the year.

I'm not a big resolution person, so instead I've decided to make some goals for 2011. Resolutions are just silly promises to yourself anyway, and most of them involve not letting yourself pig out on cookies so much anymore. Too easy to break.

This year, I would like to end up in a better financial situation, and the only way I can really see to do that is to find a better paying job. We've settled into the city living lifestyle really nicely since moving back to StL, and overall, I'm having an awesome time. All except the part about barely being able to make our rent and having no money to do anything outside the barest of necessities. I really miss taking riding and viola lessons, and I really want to be able to travel.
So that's goal #1. New job, asap.

My second goal is a little trickier, I think. I started taking theater classes when I was in junior high, to try and get past this paralyzing stage fright I have. I loved being involved in productions and I liked the weirdos I met doing it, so I tried to major in it during my first attempt at college. I didn't get to finish, and then I moved away and blah blah blah. Excuses. Anyway, I'm feeling braver, or maybe I just like to torment myself, but that's goal #2.
Get cast in a play.

Either fairly ambitious, or really simple to accomplish...I'm not sure which yet. We'll see.

173. In Cars

2010-08-16T12:08:00.000-07:00

172. Kit Kat

2010-08-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

171. Swearing: A Visual Reference Guide

2010-08-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that I may swear too frequently at times which are inappropriate. As it is not my wish to cause embarrassment to my companions, or potentially offend unsuspecting grandmas and children, I have created the following reference guide to help me remember when swearing is appropriate, and when it is not.

*A special thanks to Janelle for providing the information compiled herein.

170. Thursday.

2010-08-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

My hair needs to grow faster.
Or I should cut it.
One of those things, pretty sure.

169. Music Videos for a Friday Afternoon

2010-07-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Somewhere over the past few months I've become painfully bored with music. Like...I am so sick of everything sounding the same all the time that I've been choosing silence instead.

Fortunately, I think that the break has done some good, because I'm starting to find (and like) new bands again.

Here's a couple I've been stuck on the past two days...(because sharing is fun!)

Cinnamon Chasers

and a local punk band from Seattle, Tacocat

168. Monday.

2010-06-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

Super fun-time weekend, again!

Friday night John and I had grabbed a tasty happy hour dinner at Boom Noodle. I had the Wild Salmon Udon, and he had the Ahi Fish Tacos. NOM! I couldn't resist the Edamame Puree, as well as happy hour priced cocktails - My favorite being the Kyoto Blossom (Absolut Pear, Triple Sec, fresh lemon juice, and grenadine). Afterward we stopped at Cupcake Royal for dessert and coffee, just to kill a little time before the doors opened at Neumos. I am a fattie, yes? Yes.

I was really excited about this show because I got to see two of my favorite bands together, for one fairly reasonable ticket price, as well as enjoy the company of Ayako and her pal Cooper. Yes!
Builders and the Butchers & Portugal. The Man.

Neumos was sweltering, per usual. Bad dancing in tight quarters ensued. Friendliness with a fanboy from Alaska named Chris who "knew the band from elementary school". Strange and enthralling light displays by PTM. Overall, fun fun funnn! But for crying out loud, Neumos, fix your damn sound already. Treble should not be a luxury upgrade.

Saturday morning I got up early and spent three hours in a Canon EOS Basics class. Most of it was so remedial I wondered if maybe I had wasted $50 in signing up. In the end, I learned about some settings I wasn't aware of, so that alone was worth the price. I also got a beginner's crash course in flash, which I probably needed. I may go back for the intermediate class if I can scrounge up the cash, but we'll see.

I got a lot of bike riding in this weekend, and even managed to make myself go running on Saturday. Not far, but it's been sort of forever since I went with any sort of regularity, so I think it was a good start. Now if only I could stop cramming my yap full of deleeshus foods all-day-every-day.

I made this horrifying discovery on Friday night that not a single pair of my trousers/capris and most of my skirts no longer fit me. I couldn't even get my can into a pencil skirt that fit like a glove 3 months ago. DISTURBING.

Admittedly, I haven't been exercising enough.
And I lurve food.
I could marry it...

So what was just a single pair of "goal pants" a month ago has become half my wardrobe. Obviously, the half I hardly ever wear, but still. I'm left with nothing but t-shirts, jeans, and a couple of dresses. Poop. Time to turn on the willpower.

Oh, know what else is stupid? Cutting your thumb on a table knife. OW!

167. Fishie

2010-06-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

A twitch, a grin,
and lightning quick
I snatched it from its bowl.
Stuffed my mouth
and held my breath,
felt it flop across my tongue.
Thought about it swimming
round my belly while I slept -
Changed my mind,
and just like that
I spit it out again.

166. Say You Will

2010-06-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

Over the course of the past year, I've come to realize that saying no is what holds us back. We love our friends, but maybe we balk at invitations to things we aren't sure of because we're afraid. We let fear of social situations decide for us that maybe we'd rather just stay home - doing nothing, watching movies, eating ice cream. And sometimes that holing up with ourselves to reflect and explore feels amazing. Sometimes, it's exactly what we need. But lately I find a lot of people (myself included) have been using it as an excuse to avoid social interaction.

I don't want to blame the internet, or text messages, or any other technological advancement for our reliance on social crutches. But I can't help but notice that more and more, people are becoming less reliable. More likely to back out on plans, and more likely to make promises they have no intention to keep. Myself included; I'm not trying to get self-righteous in any way.

My point is, I think that maybe we've reached the point that we have begun to manipulate our interactions beyond our own good. We are allowing ourselves to find boxes in which we feel comfortable, and we choose to stay there rather than branch out and learn more about ourselves and the people around us. We make plans with people and then back out in a sense of social panic. We claim illness, when the illness we're referring to is just a panic attack, not an actual affliction.

What if we quit finding excuses not to? What if instead, we just went? We accepted invitations, and went, and made the best of the situation, even if we didn't think we'd have fun? Obviously, sometimes we'd prove ourselves right. We'd go, and it might suck, and we'd be affirmed that we should have said no in the first place. But what if we went in thinking we'd have a miserable time, and it turned out to be something amazing? At the very least, what if we had a really great time and didn't regret going at all?

I might be speaking to a very small audience. I might just be coaching myself right now; I have no idea. I just get the impression lately that it isn't just me saying no because I'm afraid. I think that we're all analyzing the value of our time versus the possible uses of, and we're missing out on things that could really broaden us as people.

I never want to stop growing. I never want to stop experiencing, or discovering, or adventuring. But it's a conscious decision that I have to make, to say yes to the invitations that feel like they're outside of my comfort zone. But I can honestly tell you, that even if I don't necessarily enjoy myself, I never regret having gone.

Say yes. Even if it seems like something you might not enjoy, go. Broaden your perspective and who you are and never stop.
Because living in a box is no way to live.

165. A Broken Camera & An Abandoned House

2010-06-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

As if being plagued by a malfunctioning camera weren't enough to destroy most of my shots from the abandoned house, my favorite photolab had to have a go at it too. I was relieved to find the slides themselves came out ok, including a decent couple of portraits I was actually very happy with. The lab's scanner was off center though, causing most of the images on my disc to be part of one image and part another. Unintentional diptychs. Sorta neato, actually, if the images were better.

Anyway, I was able to crop a few of the ok-ish ones, and I thought I'd go ahead and post them for you to see, since I went on and on about the house.

The living room:

View from the second floor looking down on the center of the house (note the 8 tracks sitting on the record player):

Found on the floor of one of the bedrooms:

View of the pool from a broken second story window (see the tv's?):

164. On Safari

2010-06-07T08:12:00.000-07:00

Saturday we revisited the abandoned house to prowl around taking photos and trying to get some headshots done for John. We were excited to discover that one of the arched doorways was completely void of a door, allowing us to wander freely throughout the house's interior. It was just as demolished and delightfully dated in the upstairs portion as it was down.

Unfortunately, I had some technical difficulties with my camera, and I can't say that I'll get much out of the two rolls of Fujichrome I shot. The shutter button started sticking about halfway through, refusing to fire until I was pointing the camera at the ground, cursing at it and trying to figure out what the problem was. I think I'm going to need to take it to a shop for a cleaning and adjustments. If I can find a shop willing to work on such an old camera, that is.

We also spent a little time working on the settings for my 30D, so I'm hoping to be able to shoot at ISO's under 1600 now. Since the AE-1 appears to be malfunctioning anyway, we're planning to bike back over and try round 2 on the digital later this week. If I can find time that is...I feel like I have entirely too many appointments and lessons lined up to be able to have any sort of fun until Friday at the earliest.

163. Sigh!

2010-06-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, 3 day weekend, you were so sweet. I only regret you had to end.

Some highlights from our adventures:
-Cocktails at Flowers Cafe on Friday night, talking sweet vermouth and origins of the French 75 with the bartender.
-Exit Through the Gift Shop (because we meant to see it last Wednesday, but had to put it off).
-Saturday afternoon thrifting, which resulted in the acquisition of an adorable $15 coffee table and a fitted 80's style jacket.
-Crying our guts out over Finding Neverland and a bottle of chardonnay.
-Schmancy Sunday brunch at Tilth!
-New Tank Girl comics and vinyl treasures (Patsy Cline, Billie Holiday and Nina Simone).
-A flat tire on 45th and subsequent rescue by Soren.
-Grilling kabobs in the fireplace because it was too rainy to grill on the porch.
-Late nights fighting our way through scourge-infested dungeons in Baldur's Gate.
-Walking the Frankster to Emery's Garden to browse herbs and visit the koi pond.
-Prowling around an abandoned Spanish style villa with 1960's interior and a lot of broken windows.
-Rambling at one another for hours on end and still never running out of things to talk about.

The 8 rolls of film I ordered from B&H arrived this weekend as well, so I'm hoping to revisit the abandoned house to obtain photographic evidence of its awesomeness. I've loved it forever, and now that I've seen the inside I'm even more disappointed to know it's going to be torn down. It looks like something out of a movie.

The inside is destroyed, with broken glass covering most of the floor. Mixed in with the glass are all sorts of items; binders of cassette tapes, 20 year old magazines, old vhs tapes. The sliding back door is completely shattered into a mound of tiny glass cubes, all the kitchen cabinets are torn open, and the tiled swimming pool in back is half full of garbage. The stairs leading from the foyer to the second level are curved and carpeted in red shag, with scrolled black wrought-iron railings. The red shag continues throughout most of the first floor. Peering in through the side doors you can see a sunken living room with a brick fireplace, flanked by a curved black leather built-in sofa. It felt like the set of an old James Bond film, post fight scene.

John asked me to try doing some headshots for him this week, and I was thinking the house might just make for an interesting backdrop. In any case, I'm looking forward to the chance to practice my portraiture, and to hopefully save a little piece of the Bond Estate before it disappears forever.

162. Ga-Ga-Gaultier

2010-05-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

I want to live on Jean Paul's planet. Holy wow.
(All except the first 2 denim pieces, that is.)

I think this might be what you get if Queen Amidala was cast in a Sci-Fi Spaghetti Western topped with Barcelona sauce and Aztec sprinkles.

161. Dinner and a Movie

2010-05-25T09:32:00.001-07:00

Very very excited for this evening, a.k.a. date night with the boy. We're going to see the Banksy "documentary", Exit Through the Gift Shop:

It starts at 7:30, so that should leave enough time for a run this afternoon. I haven't had any sort of workout since John moved in last Thursday, and we've been cooking so much together that I mos-definitely need one. Last night's dinner consisted of turkey chili and beer bread (with the leftover beers to drink, of course).

Our recipe looked like this:
1 lb of ground turkey
Half a large white onion (chopped)
1 Serrano pepper (chopped, seeds removed)
1/2 a red bell pepper (chopped)

Sautée together until the turkey is browned.
Add about half an amber beer. (We used Moe's Tap Room No. 21 Amber)
2 cans of 3 bean mix (Kidney, Black and White Beans)
2 cans of diced tomatoes with jalapenos

Season to taste with the following:
Red pepper flakes
Seasoned salt
Fresh ground pepper
1-2 tablespoons Cocoa powder
2-3 tablespoons brown sugar
Chili paste
Garlic powder
A generous amount of chili powder
Cumin

Let the chili stew on a low-medium heat for about 40 minutes to an hour (basically until the beer bread is done). For super simple beer bread recipe, click here. *I did find that I had to add a little extra beer to the dough. 1 didn't seem to be enough to get the right consistency.

160. Arrival Impending.

2010-05-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

Only four more days remain, and I think I've made the best of my last weekend alone.

-Hung out in my bathroom texting my best friend.
-Vegged out to a mini Lost marathon with a bottle of wine and woke up the next morning on my couch.
-Downsized my closet and organized my bathroom storage in preparation to share my space.
-Played fetch with Frank in the park.
-Went on a completely unplanned shopping spree for new summery clothes.
-Took lengthy naps in a sunny bedroom.
-Practiced my viola.
-Took Frank to the dog beach where I spent some time staring out at the sea, watching the sun set over the
mountains and reflecting on what I want from life.
-Had breakfast with Soren and then took the dogs to Marymoor for adventures in tall grass.
-Went grocery shopping.
-Made a pot of stoup (stew/soup, anything goes).
-Daydreamed about the future.
-Bought the new CocoRosie album...lovely!
-And now I'm going to go burn a little steam at the gym before bed.

I think I'm ready.

159. Working Out The Details

2010-05-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

Two weeks left - I'm down to the wire on my living alone. I've enjoyed having my own space, though I think I'm getting pretty tired of it. The boredom has been both maddening and good for my creativity at the same time, but I miss having a reason to go home besides letting the dog out or needing a nap.

Last night the fantastic blonde bought his plane ticket. His one-way, "I'm coming to Seattle to stay, and I'm not leaving unless you come with me" plane ticket. He's leaving his car and pretty much everything else he owns behind for now, and will share my space until I get laid off in September.
Excitement would be an understatement...I'm actually bouncing in my chair as I type.

I also have a new four-legged roommate, as of this weekend. I was doing fine with just the Frank-dog, but I missed the sound of soft little cat feet padding across the carpet (among a million other things). Some of those things can be replicated, and some will never come back. I hadn't planned on adopting a new cat at all, but I ended up bringing one home this weekend after stopping by the shelter just to visit.

(Muppet cat)

I named him Mayday because I adopted him on May 1st, and because the thought of him in a tiny bomber jacket and goggles made me giggle. He could easily be the character in a children's book about a feline fighter-pilot. His personality is very different from Salem's, but there are certain qualities that remind me of him at the same time. He has a nice way of easing the loss without feeling like a cheap imitation.

Unfortunately, I'm also severely allergic to him, much more than I have been to any cat in a long time, and this is made worse by the fact that he refuses to sleep anywhere but on top of my head. For now, my bedroom will unfortunately have to remain a cat-free zone.

158. Love & Loss

2010-04-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

My cat Salem died really suddenly this morning. I have no idea why, but the emergency hospital thinks it was a stroke. He was fine last night, running around, playing in a cardboard box and sitting on the back of the couch while Soren and I watched a movie. But overnight he started sounding extra sniffly and wheezy, which I didn't think much of at the time because he has bad allergies and always tends to sound stuffed up or snores.

Around 2am the wheezing was getting pretty bad, and occasionally he would meow in a frustrated sounding way. I picked him up off the floor and put him on the bed next to me to pet him and try to make him feel better. He seemed to relax at first, but then lost control of his bladder and began coughing blood everywhere. I panicked and called Soren to come and take us to the emergency hospital because I wanted to be able to hold him in the car on the way. As we were waiting, he started to scream and try to run to another spot in the room every couple of minutes, but he could barely control his legs. He could make it a few feet before he collapsed on his side panting.

By the time I met Soren outside, Salem's gums were pale and he was struggling to breathe. Soren drove us as fast as he could to the emergency clinic, but Salem died in my hands just as we were pulling into the parking lot. I ran inside yelling for someone to help me, but they weren't able to revive him.

Based on my description of what happened, the veterinarian guessed a stroke, possibly caussed by underlying heart disease. I just don't understand how that could happen. He had allergies and bad knees, but he was healthy otherwise. He was up to date on shots, and had just gotten a dental last year. I fed him the highest quality food on the market, and didn't give him any junk food except for the occasional bit of ham or tuna as a treat.

I had never really owned a cat before, and he was incredibly special. When I adopted him, I had been working at the vet's office where he had been living for about a year and a half. The office had taken him away from a little girl who had been throwing him into walls as a kitten. She had done it more than once, and knocked him unconscious. Sometimes his pupils would dilate differently from it. He had food allergies, but was living on a prescription diet for cats who are overweight because that's what the other cats roaming loose in the office ate. He was too skinny, and bright red and blotchy, and he walked with a swagger (I was told because his pelvis had been broken and healed on its own, but my vet later said it was just because he was born with bad knees). His tail was crooked at the tip from being broken. He hated everyone except one receptionist, and even she wasn't allowed to hold him.

I spent 4 months getting to know him and we became good friends. I never tried to pet him more than he was comfortable with, but I would leave treats for him where ever I went. After a while, he would wait for me to come to work and follow me everywhere. He tried to defend me from the dogs I walked by slapping them in the face, and would jump into the cages I was trying to clean and roll around in my way.

I finally decided that I had to have him. No one else was going to adopt him, but I was terrified that someone else would, and that they wouldn't love him as much as me. The office didn't even make me pay an adoption fee, he had been there so long. They just gave him to me with a bag of food, and I took him home. He hid under my couch for three days, and when he finally came out, he seemed amazed by the concept of carpeting. He rode 2,000 miles with me in an overheating Chrysler Lebaron when we moved from St. Louis to Seattle, howling and flinging cat litter at me until I finally agreed to let him out of his crate so he could ride on the back of my seat while I drove. He survived falling out a second story apartment window that had no screen, causing me to spend an entire day sobbing my eyes out and plastering my neighborhood in lost cat fliers until it finally got dark enough that he came out of hiding.

He was never a lap cat, but he loved to try and suck on my hair (I assume he was taken away from his mother too early). But the longer I had him, the friendlier he became, until eventually, in the past couple of years, he finally would sit in my lap and just let me pet him. He was always waiting by the front door when I came home and would follow me from room to room. He loved when we had company and liked to be part of whatever was going on. He would tolerate almost anything from me, even baths, when anyone else would have been torn to shreds. He made me laugh, and he always knew just what to do when I wasn't feeling well.

I think this may be the last photo I took of him, earlier this month.

He was by far, the greatest cat I have ever known, and there will never be another quite like him again. In 6 1/2 years, he never stopped saying thank you for bringing him home with me. He was the love of my life, and I wish so much that I could have done something to help him. It's hard to make myself believe that he won't be waiting for me when I come home today, or ever again. My heart is broken, and I miss my friend.

157. Bread!

2010-04-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Lately I've become sort of cooking obsessed, which I think is due to a combination of being ridiculously bored, desperately in need of more creative outlets, and sick of eating turkey bratwurst over my sink like a bachelor.

Since I ended up spending my entire Saturday night baking a loaf of bread that came out not only tasting really great, but pretty easy on the eyes as well, I feel I have to show it off. I should apologize up front for the image quality, however. Food photographer, I am not. In fact, these are from my iPhone, and I realize they have a sort of stark, strictly functional feel that I'm not in love with. Still, you get the idea:

It's called a Challah Braid, though I left off the poppy seeds because I didn't have any. I found the recipe in this old Betty Crocker cookbook I've had forever. I didn't realize it at the time, but it turns out it's actually a traditional Jewish bread made for the Sabbath and holidays. Definitely going to have to make it again; it was delicious.

In other culinary news, I made hummus for the first time last night. Just an excuse to try out the swanky new 14 cup food processor I bought this weekend. I think I used just a little more oil than necessary, and it's a bit saltier than I would have liked, but not salty enough to ruin it by any means. And now I have homemade hummus with raw broccoli for my lunch. Eee!

Tonight I'm tackling pizza (again). I have yet to perfect my crust, but it is improving. The boyfriend and I made a pretty tasty pie while he was visiting, but we definitely used too much wheat flour. The crust was super dense and rigid and much too chewy. My fault. I'm thinking I'm going to give the crust from this recipe a try, but run it through the food processor instead of trying to stir the ingredients. There may be a picture to follow, we'll see.

156. Saturday, April 24, 2010

2010-04-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

Thursday night I had my first riding lesson since November. This is EXTREEEEMELY exciting to me, obviously. I rode my buddy Roy, who let me know exactly how much he'd missed me by snapping his head around and biting me quite hard on the back of my right arm while I was tightening his girth. He's a big baby about the girth portion of tacking up, and is always throwing a little temper tantrum about it, squealing like a pig or stomping around. I have a rainbow colored bruise from it that looks like I was pelted with a grapefruit shot from a ball launcher.

In fact, to further illustrate, these are Roy's chompers:

(It's been a while since he's seen a dentist)

Fortunately, I survived nearly being eaten by my trusty steed, and we had a really fantastic lesson. He was responsive, and I was surprised to find that I wasn't as out of shape as I'd thought. I mean, I'm still sore from head to toe, but muscle memory makes an enormous difference. I had sort of assumed that 1) I'd be practically starting over, and 2) I would probably eat dirt by the time the night was over. Neither ended up being the case, and by the end of the hour I was cantering over poles almost as if I'd never stopped riding. I cannot WAIT for next Thursday.

Last night I came home feeling so sore that I was actually nauseous and like I was made of cement, so I made a quick dinner (roasted potatoes and grilled shrimp!) and then took a nap. I woke up around 7:30 feeling much better and not at all like staying in. A quick text to my friend Ashley, and an hour later we were on our way to the casino with her very adorable Russian friend, her brother, and their friend who was in town for a wedding. Since moving out on my own I've really tried to say yes to invitations out, even when it doesn't necessarily sound like something I'd be interested in. As long as the company is good, I'm fairly certain I could have fun doing just about anything.

The boys had plans to gamble of course, so we wandered into "Canoes Cabaret" in search of drinks and dancing. I had no idea that we were going dancing, or I would have worn dancing shoes. There was a cover band playing, dressed in matching black button ups with white suit-vests and white trousers. The lead singer was stout and sweaty and his vest seemed as though it were visibly straining to contain him. The music was terrible, but reasonably danceable. It was clear, however, that we were not in Seattle anymore. It was like stumbling onto a tiny island populated by all the worst parts of the Midwest. Being on the reservation meant smoking indoors was allowed, scantily clad cougars and skinny girls with trashy tattoos abounded, I was constantly being asked for high fives from douchey boys or chatted up by exceedingly creepy old men. Fortunately, traveling in a small pack of friends creates a sort of force-field which is virtually impenetrable by all things douche. Anyway, it was a good time, despite the location. Like I said - anything can be fun in the right company.

Today I am on a mission to purchase a food processor so that I can nerd out in all my foodie glory. So far, I've done really well with my decision not to purchase a microwave. I don't miss it at all, and my leftovers aren't pumped full of strange tasting little micro-waves. But I am missing a few key kitchen essentials, like the aforementioned food processor, a cheese grater, and I could totally go for a waffle iron, as I enjoy waffles much more than pancakes.

I had also planned to order a subscription to Gourmet magazine this week, but was disappointed to discover that Gourmet no longer exists. They still have a website, but the magazine itself went out of print at the end of 2009. Sadness. They instead refer you to Bon Appetite, which I suppose is fine, except that I don't feel it comes anywhere near the awesomeness that was Gourmet. Mostly, it's the photography. Gourmet had stunning food photography, and Bon Appetite just can't compare. I ended up dropping by Barnes and Noble yesterday afternoon to pick through the other foodie publications available, and I think I've found an acceptable replacement: Fine Cooking. The photography is lush and mouth-watering, the articles are interesting, and the recipes are inspiring and approachable. Already, I have all sorts of new creations to try. This month's issue features nooooodles! Nom!

Now, if only I could master my digital camera. I might be able to start posting some sexy food porn of my own. ;)

155. The Fur Suit

2010-04-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

I would never in a million years have expected Chanel to make a super shaggy yeti suit and call it "outerwear", but there it is.

I totally want one.
And then, I will build a tiny Himalayan village out of snow to tramp about in, terrorizing the citizens and devouring all their goats.

154. Saturday, Saturday

2010-04-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

My apartment complex finally got around to repairing/replacing our gym equipment, and I finally got sick of sitting around eating and feeling sorry for myself, so last night I went and worked out. I let myself go much too long without any activity and I'd forgotten how much better it makes me feel.

Today I feel a little slimmer, I'm happier, and I'm actually in the mood to try some photography with my 30D. Ashley is coming over at 10 to go hiking (not sure where yet), but I think I'm going to bring it with me and see what I find.

I'm still completely at a loss for editing my higher quality .CR2 images in Photoshop, but at least I can play around with the .JPEGs in the meantime. I think I'm going to have to take a class. I spent two hours trying to edit digital negatives from Chicago the other night, but came up with nothing.

Tonight is Bastille Cafe with Kelsey, Corrie and Chelsea. I might bring the camera to dinner too, though even my smallest lens has a little trouble shooting subjects that close. I tend to get a lot of super cropped face shots and not much else. French food is worth the attempts to photograph, though. So pretty!

I was supposed to see Spoon at The Moore, but tickets were $40. And I hate The Moore. Gorgeous little theater, but there is NO leg room, and I was going to be sitting alone anyway, because no one buys their tickets together. It's just not the ideal venue to see a rock show, and I can't justify it to myself when I'm trying to save enough money to start riding again next month. I think I could forgo seeing just about any band to be able to get myself back on a horse. Excluding Tom Waits. Tom Waits trumps everything.

153. Love Long Distance

2010-04-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

I've never tried to do a long distance relationship before. I expected it to be hard, but you can never picture just how something is going to feel until you actually experience it. I can only imagine how impossible this would seem if I didn't have unlimited texting. It's the one thing that's making this bearable.

Six more weeks to go. And at this point, time and distance are pretty much the same thing. 2000 miles is equal to however many weeks I have left.

Anyway, Gossip is one of my very favorite bands, especially when I'm trying to shake a miserable mood. Since the lyrics seemed appropriate, here's a really awesome video for Heavy Cross that I just found. I'm pretty sure it's a fan video, but I liked it better than the official version.

152. Analogue Girl

2010-03-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

When I moved into my one bedroom apartment 2 1/2 months ago, I made the decision not to sign up for any sort of television service. I'm on a budget, and seeing as how I really don't watch much anyway, it didn't seem like there was much point. This didn't stop me from spending $380 on a flat screen 32" television, however. I should have just bought something off Craigslist, but at the time, it seemed that wall mounting a tv was really the only solution for my living room. Ironically, I lost my receipt shortly before I discovered that hanging a television over your fireplace is not a good idea if you intend to sit on the floor and play video games, as it will undoubtedly lead to a lot of neck pain.

So anyway, I've been experimenting with new ways to spend my time, now that I have freed myself of being a complete couch potato. At first, this involved a lot of drinking while obtaining and listening to music, or watching episodes of Lost on Hulu (which is virtually the same as being a couch potato, except with less commercials). And of course, I spend the majority of my free time texting this really fantastic blonde boy. But now that I feel like I've finally settled in to my apartment, I'm beginning to find better uses for my energies (except of course, the texting - I have no intention of cutting back on that). Recent projects have included the very tedious hyper-organizing of the photos stored on my laptop, the sending of postcards, and making crude doodles on every piece of notebook paper I find lying around.

I'm discovering I kind of like writing letters. Which I only started doing because I felt that I owed my brother quite a few, considering he's been writing me intermittently for nearly a year, whenever he isn't living with me. Unfortunately, this has led to the realization that my life is fairly uninteresting, and I find that I put off writing anything to anyone because I'm too bored with myself to bother. So my new plan is to begin fabricating complete and total lies for fun. Fictional letters, I guess.

What else...Photoshop still mystifies me for the most part. I need to do something about that. I've fallen in love with double exposures and want to try them (thanks Flickr, for reminding me!). I just need to order more film first. I'm also cooking a lot more, since eating like a bachelor over my sink is getting a little old. I'm perfecting my own version of curry, which is probably dangerous. It's not exactly healthy, and I could totally see myself eating it almost every day. And then the viola. I am slowly becoming more disciplined about practice. Because it's not that I don't like playing...I just have difficulty making myself do it for some reason.

151. Happy Belated, Charlie Brown

2010-03-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me just now that I missed my cat's birthday. It was two days ago. His eighth, though I have no idea what that equates to in cat years. In fact, now that I think of it, no one ever refers to anything cat years. Fortunately, cats don't seem to mind when a person forgets to say things like, "Happy Birthday, Mow", or "Many happy returns". I did manage to give him a mound of tuna on top of his kibble that day, so perhaps I subconsciously remembered somehow.

Better late than never, I suppose. Happy Birthday, Salem!

150. Haiku

2010-03-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

Fingers etch patterns
in your spine, as if seeking
some deeper meaning

149. Monday, March 8, 2010

2010-03-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm debating what to do with this blog. Frankly, it's a scattered mess. I feel like it was sort of a place to store bits and pieces of my brain when they had no where else to go. Only lately, I have less and less of a need to put things here. Maybe because I've compartmentalized myself into other places, like Flickr and Facebook, and a private blog I'm using as a journal. Mostly, I think it was intended to cheer me up when I was horribly depressed. Only now I'm not depressed, so the whole thing feels a little pointless. I mean, I named it Spilt Milk for a reason.

That's kind of huge for me though...to be able to say that I am actually happy. I spent so long being unhappy that finally being on my own and living my life the way I want is a huge relief. I have all the freedom in the universe to be anybody I want. It's easy to say that I had that freedom all along, but it isn't true. I'm still discovering how much being with the wrong person can affect you, in ways you don't even realize until you can stand back and see things from outside the situation. I don't regret being with him at all, but I am glad that I was finally able to admit to myself that it wasn't working.

So I'm reorganizing everything. Making all the changes I've always wanted to and trying to get myself moving in the right direction. Which leaves the question of this blog. Do I save it, or start something fresh? I can't decide. I just know that I keep coming back to it and wondering what would make anyone other than me want to read it. What do I have to write about now that I'm not unhappy?

148. Spring Cleaning

2010-02-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

Being that my life is in a sort of transitional phase at the moment, I thought it might be the perfect time to clean up one of my favorite places; my Flickr account. I was almost as ruthless in my deleting of photos as I was cleaning out my closet. I think I've managed to trim it down to a more focused sort of portfolio, though I'm still finding shots scattered throughout that I'll probably cut.

Photography is my favorite thing, no question. It's the most approachable and satisfying form of creative expression I have. I just wish I had the motivation to spend more time working at it. Lately I find that the majority of the photos I take are with my iPhone. Partially because I haven't gotten Photoshop installed on my laptop to be able to work with my Canon 30D and because the cost of film development exceeds my budget, but also because the iPhone just happens to be the one camera I have with me all the time. Fortunately, it takes pretty great photos for a phone.

Since I use it so much, I've invested in multiple photo editing apps to give myself a little more creative control over the final product. Of those, my favorite is one called Camera Bag. If you have an iPhone, I'd definitely recommend it. I'm having so much fun with it I actually added a set to Flickr just for my artsy iPhone shots.

My only other excuse for not shooting nearly enough is the weather. It's been really rainy for months, and I just can't bring myself to take the schmancy equipment out. I'm hoping that will change soon, but I really should have been working on self portraits or something this entire time. I have all of this lighting equipment that came with my 30D, but no clue how to use it. So this is me, kicking myself for sitting around wasting so much time. Get on with it, would you?

147. 2 Weeks Notice

2010-02-10T08:10:00.001-08:00

Only 2 more weeks until my visit to St. Louis. Terribly excited by this. It's getting harder and harder to concentrate on work. Ever since the outsourcing announcement I've felt like I put in my 2 weeks notice. Except my notice is about 9 months long. Fortunately for me, everyone else seems to have checked out as well, so we're all just sort of killing time waiting to move on. It's not bad, really.

I've spent a lot of time recently wandering around on Lonely Planet, daydreaming of of the fascinating places I hope to visit one day. Currently a bit obsessed with Iceland. Volcanoes and glaciers and hot springs, oh my!

I'm 28 years old and I have only traveled beyond the US border once. And that was only for a weekend, and it was only Vancouver, BC. Which is practically a neighborhood of Seattle and hardly counts at all.

I was supposed to visit Alaska this summer, until my brother informed me that the round trip cost alone was going to be somewhere just under $1,000. I still intend to go, but it's going to have to wait until Summer 2011 I think.

Until then I plan to save and pay off some debt, and hopefully once I do, I can start having the sort of adventures I've been imagining all day every day.

146. Nutrition Fail.

2010-02-08T08:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I just ate cake for lunch at 8:00 in the morning.
What?!

145. Materialism and You: The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem

2010-02-03T17:31:00.000-08:00

I think that I'm pretty much moved into my new apartment. In the process of doing so I have reached a very important conclusion; I own entirely too much stuff.

While I was ferrying it over, I unloaded at least 4 trash bags of stuff on my local Goodwill. Yet I still can't find space for everything I kept. It's actually making me sort of clausterphobic. It seemed like a one bedroom would be plenty big, but I perhaps I underestimated the quantity of junk I own.

I'm not even sure why I keep it all. What good are a bunch of old year books and piles of clothes you almost never wear? But I do wear all of my clothes sometimes, and people are supposed to care about things like high school memories, right? It just feels overwhelming. I hate feeling like I have this enormous ball and chain to drag with me everywhere I go. None of it seems terribly worth keeping except for things like books and records. Or stuff I use on a daily basis.

I suspect it may be time I began to embrace a more minimalist existence.

144. For Your Sighs Only

2010-01-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, the best thing to ever happen to you isn't anything you could have planned. Sometimes, it just falls in your lap out of the blue, catching you entirely off guard.

143. The Week in Review

2010-01-15T10:32:00.000-08:00

In the past 5 days, I have ended my marriage, dropped out of college, leased an apartment and discovered I have virtually nothing to furnish it with, and found out that in 8 months, my department is being outsourced to a company in Albuquerque.

You'd think that I'd be upset...but strangely, I feel amazing. Not just relieved, or like I'm getting a fresh start. I'm deliriously happy.

I signed a 6 month lease that ends July 31st. I have a job until September, and if I don't find another position in the company before then, I get 9 weeks severance pay and a lump sum to cover 3 months of Cobra insurance (or anything I want).

I haven't decided what I want to do yet. I love Seattle, but I feel like a change of scene might be a really good thing for me. I'm considering moving to Chicago to be close to the friends I find myself missing more every day. I hate the weather in the midwest, but I hear the summers in Chicago are slightly more bearable than St. Louis. Or maybe I will stay in Seattle, who knows.

I'm just done feeling trapped, and I really hope I'm over being so indecisive about every little thing. It isn't ever too late to change your life for the better.

142. Argh.

2010-01-13T12:37:00.001-08:00

Annnnnd I dropped my poetry class.
It's too much to deal with right now and I would rather withdraw completely than get a bad grade. Hopefully Spring quarter will be a little more stable. Who knows.